I hate being back.

Face it. Despite the fact that everyone says they want an honest person, they don't. They turn the other way, walk away, and pretend the honesty does not exist.

I see it every time I interact with people. I pretend to be this happy person because no one truly wants to know me. I don't blame them really. I have something broken inside me. How can other people like me when I don't like myself? I try to find new ways to hurt myself. I drown the emotional pain with physical pain just to feel something different. I need something external to feel alive.

*sigh* I don't expect to meet anyone, so here's the honesty upfront.

First, I'm too nice. That's bad actually. No one likes nice guys. In the past few years, I'll allow people to take advantage of me ONCE though. After that, I will drift away from you. I know when I'm being taken advantage of when it happens. I choose to allow it to happen only once. It's my signature "goodbye".

Two, I'm shy and not talkative. This makes people think I'm stand-offish. I'm not. I will talk when engaged to do so. It's just unfortunate I write better than I speak.

Third, I'm probably the most open person you will ever meet if you ask me questions about myself. I will tell you my strengths and vulnerablities up front. Be warned, the worst thing you can do is underestimate me just because you know my vulnerabilities.

Forth, I have a low self-esteem. This stems from my childhood. You'll just have to forgive me on this. I've tried changing, but I can't. I'm sorry.

Fifth, I like being alone in the dark. I'm far too comfortable with it. I realize that and was called on it too many times to ignore it now. I can't seem to change that either.

Sixth, I, like every human being before me, will eventually die. I look forward to that day as I will be released from this life and into the next. Sometimes I think that day cannot come soon enough, but I will never take my own life.

Death and Taxes

Well.. done my federal taxes. It's ready to be sent off, but I forgot and can't find my 1098 form. Damnit. That gives me my biggest tax deduction. I know what I paid in interest, but I don't have the official form to send in.

Yeah... real exciting.

My single-speed is pretty much complete and ridable. I just need the half-link for the chain (already in the mail), and I want to build a new front wheel for it. I have the hub and the rim, I just need the spokes. Until then, it has my spare front wheel.

I'm going to try to get this bike:
Haro Backtrail X24
It's a 24" inch BMX/Dirtjumper. I was thinking about a 20", but that's a bit TOO small for me. Hopefully, I can get this thing for around $200.

Yeah, another bike. This one if for dirt jumping while trying not to kill myself doing it. Once I get the 24", I may turn my existing yellow main bike into a full-suspension bike. I'll want a freeride frame though.

I hate it when people just walk into my office and just come up to me. I just got interupted by a dyke with control issues. Geez, she's not even in my fuckin' department, and she's giving ME orders? Screw that. And yes, she IS a dyke, not that it bothers me. It's just her personality that grates on my nerves.

Anyway, playing Bike-polo tonight, then maybe some ultimate frisbee if my cousin shows up. I never played it, but it sounds like fun from the description.

I really should be more social, but I always feel awkward.

This weekend, if it doesn't rain, I'd like to go to Sabino Canyon for a night ride on my bike. I haven't been there in years.

Estrella Race Pictures of me.

The rear wheel has been flat for the last 6 miles of the race.

It's been awhile... hasn't it?

It's 4:50am in the morning. I'm writing this at home. Will post it at work.

There's nothing worse, a no more dreaded feeling than waking up, and the first emotion before even opening up your eyes to complete darkness is total depression sprinkled with a tinge of anxiety. The day hasn't even started yet, and you feel nothing but hopelessness.

I woke up at 3:38am and could not go back to sleep. I just tossed and turned in my bed until my head started hurting.

I'm tired of being this way. I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of having no one to share this with. I am tired of waking up in the dark alone.

I can't cry. I was never able to cry for myself. It hurts so much, but I can't cry. I can’t even force tears. Even when I was small, if I got hurt in the worst possible way, I shed no tears for my agony. It made my parents wonder about me sometimes. I figured I was screwed up even then. Maybe I live for pain... emotionally and physically.

On the other hand, I find no problem shedding tears for other people's hardships or triumphs.

This Saturday, I'm heading back up to Goodyear, AZ to attend my first mountain bike race. I'll do my best, and that's all I can do. I ride until it hurts. It's the only way I can ride. It may not be enough to place, but I want to finish. That's my goal.

I'm actually tired of living in a house by myself. It's not a big house, but I fill it up with crap because it makes it feel like home. Yet... for everything I have, about 90% of it is unused. I stare at it all. Why?

I miss my little studio apartment. It was cozy, it was me. It made me feel safe within myself. That was a good feeling.

Heh, I remember laying down and sleeping with bike tools while my bike leaned up against me. I would work until the wee hours of the morning, and it took everything I had just to keep my eyes open.

Damn.

I think in five years, I will sell my house, pay off all my debt, and start over. Perhaps I'm just looking for a goal again, something to live for again.

My family won't understand that though, but I have to start living with my own decisions. I went through this before when I started college. I never wanted to go to college immediately. Now I'm living with the decisions my parents made for me. That's not totally fair though. Bottom line, you always have your own choices. I just choose to follow what my parents told me. I need to stop doing that.

I hate accepting my fate. I'm beginning to actually hate my blogs. I thought they would help me sort out my problems. It hasn't, nothing has changed. I still see my problems, but now they are just documented... staring at me, mocking me.

God, why am I like this? I hate this self-loathing. I want to be free of my pain.

I'm not afraid to die alone. I'm more afraid to live alone.
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Funny... I just found some old photos of me. It's good to laugh. I'll post those in my other blog.

I REALLY need to win the lottery.

Lost my green zip-up jacket/shirt.. combo. I don't know how else to describe it. It was my favorite cool weather thing to wear. *sigh*

I think someone might have accidently snagged it at last weds bike polo. That was the last I saw of it. I'll ask. It gets really confusing at times when everyone is putting stuff away.

Now, I need a new light jacket. Everything I own is for for motorcycling.

I wanted to go to the Reid park yesterday, but I had previous engagements. I would have taken my oversize beach blanket, and bought a lunch to go. Then take a nap somewhere in the park. Hopefully, I wouldn't get shanked in my sleep and robbed, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

I like naps in the park. Admitedly, working at downtown, I get a tinge of jealousy when I see the bums sleeping in front of the lawns here. How nice it must be, I think to myself. Just to lay out and hear the noises of the city lull you to sleep. There are no deadlines, no projects, no bills to weigh on your thoughts. Just you and the world.

But then again, I bet they get a bit jealous when they see me macking on a foot-long, overstuff, oven-baked, sub with a 32oz soda and a side salad.

Okay. Time to start feeling better about myself.

You'd think, after paying over a grand in bills each month, I'd feel worse, but I don't. I like sending off the bills... I just hate writing the checks. LOL!

Oh well. I'm broke for the moment, but at least I have my bills paid, and done SOME Christmas shopping. *sigh*

We had our annual "Christmas Lunch" at work. Drove to a place called "Cattletown". I don't have to tell you that it's a steakhouse. :) This year, we decided (well, more like a few decided for the whole) that we would SUPRISE our boss by buying him lunch, and pay for our own lunches when the bill arrived.

What this meant was, that this year, we don't order the most expensive item on the menu to have our rich boss foot the bill.

Cattletown.. a steakhouse.. that specializes in steaks... and everyone but the boss ordered $6 burgers and a glass of ice tea. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh shit, that was funny. I'm sure our boss was wondering, "What the hell?". He of course, ordered a small steak.

Being the last to order, I fell into the peer-pressure and ordered a burger myself.

What's funnier is that one of the techs that is notorious for ordering the most food called into work today.

You'd think, when the bill came, everyone would know how to split it. OMG! Talk about mass chaos. It's not like our group was huge. Seriously, it was fucking insane. I wish I took care of it just so everyone wasn't so damn stressed out about it. I even think my boss wish he took care of it when it was time to leave.

Work is slow today, even when I'm busy.

“What?! Say again!”, I shout out over the working A/C unit and the spinning fans of multiple servers in the small closet. I’m annoyed looking at the task at hand as one of the servers was left uncompleted by the weekend crew.

“Fate.”, she said again calmly.

“Dumb luck is all it is. Dumb fuckin’ luck.”, I bite back. My fingers work to put the server internals back together quicker than I can think about it. I can do this with my eyes closed, but I like watching my hands move on their own.

“Why do you fight it?”, she asks looking over my shoulder. I sense the brief hurt in her words.

*sigh* “I fight it because… because it’s all I know how to do.”, I argue back. I feel my resolve give away just a little. I finish the server, but I don’t power it up, not yet. I quickly double-check my work.

“I see you give in to it. I see your pain when you think no one is looking, but I watch you from behind dark corners and read between your lines.” she says somberly. She moves closer, and I can feel her breath on my neck. She makes me uncomfortable, yet it's so familiar.

Satisfied with my work, I roughly power up the server. She jumps back just a little. The server LEDs flicker to life as the clicking of multiple harddrives sing with the rhythm of the humming fans. I watch the monitor, and intently read the boot up sequence. I try pushing our conversation out of my head.

She rests her hand on my shoulder and gently turns me around. I stare into her cool eyes. They hold me for a second as I see my own reflection in them. The annoyance I held onto so desperately melts away.

“Why are you here? Why do you bother me?” I softly ask, afraid of knowing the answer.

“Dumb luck.”, Depression answered calmly and with tears.