.::Shadows on the Wall::.

I hate being back.

2005-03-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

Face it. Despite the fact that everyone says they want an honest person, they don't. They turn the other way, walk away, and pretend the honesty does not exist.

I see it every time I interact with people. I pretend to be this happy person because no one truly wants to know me. I don't blame them really. I have something broken inside me. How can other people like me when I don't like myself? I try to find new ways to hurt myself. I drown the emotional pain with physical pain just to feel something different. I need something external to feel alive.

*sigh* I don't expect to meet anyone, so here's the honesty upfront.

First, I'm too nice. That's bad actually. No one likes nice guys. In the past few years, I'll allow people to take advantage of me ONCE though. After that, I will drift away from you. I know when I'm being taken advantage of when it happens. I choose to allow it to happen only once. It's my signature "goodbye".

Two, I'm shy and not talkative. This makes people think I'm stand-offish. I'm not. I will talk when engaged to do so. It's just unfortunate I write better than I speak.

Third, I'm probably the most open person you will ever meet if you ask me questions about myself. I will tell you my strengths and vulnerablities up front. Be warned, the worst thing you can do is underestimate me just because you know my vulnerabilities.

Forth, I have a low self-esteem. This stems from my childhood. You'll just have to forgive me on this. I've tried changing, but I can't. I'm sorry.

Fifth, I like being alone in the dark. I'm far too comfortable with it. I realize that and was called on it too many times to ignore it now. I can't seem to change that either.

Sixth, I, like every human being before me, will eventually die. I look forward to that day as I will be released from this life and into the next. Sometimes I think that day cannot come soon enough, but I will never take my own life.

Death and Taxes

2005-02-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well.. done my federal taxes. It's ready to be sent off, but I forgot and can't find my 1098 form. Damnit. That gives me my biggest tax deduction. I know what I paid in interest, but I don't have the official form to send in.

Yeah... real exciting.

My single-speed is pretty much complete and ridable. I just need the half-link for the chain (already in the mail), and I want to build a new front wheel for it. I have the hub and the rim, I just need the spokes. Until then, it has my spare front wheel.

I'm going to try to get this bike:
Haro Backtrail X24
It's a 24" inch BMX/Dirtjumper. I was thinking about a 20", but that's a bit TOO small for me. Hopefully, I can get this thing for around $200.

Yeah, another bike. This one if for dirt jumping while trying not to kill myself doing it. Once I get the 24", I may turn my existing yellow main bike into a full-suspension bike. I'll want a freeride frame though.

I hate it when people just walk into my office and just come up to me. I just got interupted by a dyke with control issues. Geez, she's not even in my fuckin' department, and she's giving ME orders? Screw that. And yes, she IS a dyke, not that it bothers me. It's just her personality that grates on my nerves.

Anyway, playing Bike-polo tonight, then maybe some ultimate frisbee if my cousin shows up. I never played it, but it sounds like fun from the description.

I really should be more social, but I always feel awkward.

This weekend, if it doesn't rain, I'd like to go to Sabino Canyon for a night ride on my bike. I haven't been there in years.

Estrella Race Pictures of me.

2005-01-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

The rear wheel has been flat for the last 6 miles of the race.

It's been awhile... hasn't it?

2005-01-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

It's 4:50am in the morning. I'm writing this at home. Will post it at work.

There's nothing worse, a no more dreaded feeling than waking up, and the first emotion before even opening up your eyes to complete darkness is total depression sprinkled with a tinge of anxiety. The day hasn't even started yet, and you feel nothing but hopelessness.

I woke up at 3:38am and could not go back to sleep. I just tossed and turned in my bed until my head started hurting.

I'm tired of being this way. I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of having no one to share this with. I am tired of waking up in the dark alone.

I can't cry. I was never able to cry for myself. It hurts so much, but I can't cry. I can’t even force tears. Even when I was small, if I got hurt in the worst possible way, I shed no tears for my agony. It made my parents wonder about me sometimes. I figured I was screwed up even then. Maybe I live for pain... emotionally and physically.

On the other hand, I find no problem shedding tears for other people's hardships or triumphs.

This Saturday, I'm heading back up to Goodyear, AZ to attend my first mountain bike race. I'll do my best, and that's all I can do. I ride until it hurts. It's the only way I can ride. It may not be enough to place, but I want to finish. That's my goal.

I'm actually tired of living in a house by myself. It's not a big house, but I fill it up with crap because it makes it feel like home. Yet... for everything I have, about 90% of it is unused. I stare at it all. Why?

I miss my little studio apartment. It was cozy, it was me. It made me feel safe within myself. That was a good feeling.

Heh, I remember laying down and sleeping with bike tools while my bike leaned up against me. I would work until the wee hours of the morning, and it took everything I had just to keep my eyes open.

Damn.

I think in five years, I will sell my house, pay off all my debt, and start over. Perhaps I'm just looking for a goal again, something to live for again.

My family won't understand that though, but I have to start living with my own decisions. I went through this before when I started college. I never wanted to go to college immediately. Now I'm living with the decisions my parents made for me. That's not totally fair though. Bottom line, you always have your own choices. I just choose to follow what my parents told me. I need to stop doing that.

I hate accepting my fate. I'm beginning to actually hate my blogs. I thought they would help me sort out my problems. It hasn't, nothing has changed. I still see my problems, but now they are just documented... staring at me, mocking me.

God, why am I like this? I hate this self-loathing. I want to be free of my pain.

I'm not afraid to die alone. I'm more afraid to live alone.
--------------------

Funny... I just found some old photos of me. It's good to laugh. I'll post those in my other blog.

I REALLY need to win the lottery.

2004-12-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

Lost my green zip-up jacket/shirt.. combo. I don't know how else to describe it. It was my favorite cool weather thing to wear. *sigh*

I think someone might have accidently snagged it at last weds bike polo. That was the last I saw of it. I'll ask. It gets really confusing at times when everyone is putting stuff away.

Now, I need a new light jacket. Everything I own is for for motorcycling.

I wanted to go to the Reid park yesterday, but I had previous engagements. I would have taken my oversize beach blanket, and bought a lunch to go. Then take a nap somewhere in the park. Hopefully, I wouldn't get shanked in my sleep and robbed, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

I like naps in the park. Admitedly, working at downtown, I get a tinge of jealousy when I see the bums sleeping in front of the lawns here. How nice it must be, I think to myself. Just to lay out and hear the noises of the city lull you to sleep. There are no deadlines, no projects, no bills to weigh on your thoughts. Just you and the world.

But then again, I bet they get a bit jealous when they see me macking on a foot-long, overstuff, oven-baked, sub with a 32oz soda and a side salad.

2004-12-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Okay. Time to start feeling better about myself.

You'd think, after paying over a grand in bills each month, I'd feel worse, but I don't. I like sending off the bills... I just hate writing the checks. LOL!

Oh well. I'm broke for the moment, but at least I have my bills paid, and done SOME Christmas shopping. *sigh*

We had our annual "Christmas Lunch" at work. Drove to a place called "Cattletown". I don't have to tell you that it's a steakhouse. :) This year, we decided (well, more like a few decided for the whole) that we would SUPRISE our boss by buying him lunch, and pay for our own lunches when the bill arrived.

What this meant was, that this year, we don't order the most expensive item on the menu to have our rich boss foot the bill.

Cattletown.. a steakhouse.. that specializes in steaks... and everyone but the boss ordered $6 burgers and a glass of ice tea. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh shit, that was funny. I'm sure our boss was wondering, "What the hell?". He of course, ordered a small steak.

Being the last to order, I fell into the peer-pressure and ordered a burger myself.

What's funnier is that one of the techs that is notorious for ordering the most food called into work today.

You'd think, when the bill came, everyone would know how to split it. OMG! Talk about mass chaos. It's not like our group was huge. Seriously, it was fucking insane. I wish I took care of it just so everyone wasn't so damn stressed out about it. I even think my boss wish he took care of it when it was time to leave.

Work is slow today, even when I'm busy.

2004-12-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

“What?! Say again!”, I shout out over the working A/C unit and the spinning fans of multiple servers in the small closet. I’m annoyed looking at the task at hand as one of the servers was left uncompleted by the weekend crew.

“Fate.”, she said again calmly.

“Dumb luck is all it is. Dumb fuckin’ luck.”, I bite back. My fingers work to put the server internals back together quicker than I can think about it. I can do this with my eyes closed, but I like watching my hands move on their own.

“Why do you fight it?”, she asks looking over my shoulder. I sense the brief hurt in her words.

*sigh* “I fight it because… because it’s all I know how to do.”, I argue back. I feel my resolve give away just a little. I finish the server, but I don’t power it up, not yet. I quickly double-check my work.

“I see you give in to it. I see your pain when you think no one is looking, but I watch you from behind dark corners and read between your lines.” she says somberly. She moves closer, and I can feel her breath on my neck. She makes me uncomfortable, yet it's so familiar.

Satisfied with my work, I roughly power up the server. She jumps back just a little. The server LEDs flicker to life as the clicking of multiple harddrives sing with the rhythm of the humming fans. I watch the monitor, and intently read the boot up sequence. I try pushing our conversation out of my head.

She rests her hand on my shoulder and gently turns me around. I stare into her cool eyes. They hold me for a second as I see my own reflection in them. The annoyance I held onto so desperately melts away.

“Why are you here? Why do you bother me?” I softly ask, afraid of knowing the answer.

“Dumb luck.”, Depression answered calmly and with tears.

Close your eyes, and you will find, we are of the dark.

2004-12-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

I miss the morning darkness.

I miss the nothingness I used to feel inside, for then, I didn't hurt.

I close my eyes, but the hurt doesn't dissapear. Give me peace.

I went to my ex's tonight for dinner. She wouldn't let me hold her, she wouldn't hold me.

That's all I wanted. No food, no talk, no tv, no music. I just wanted to be held.

The distance between us has grown so much. Friends is all we are, all we will ever be, and some days, that isn't enough.

All I do is try to fill my days with physical pain to drown out the emotional pain.

This is a depression, and it sucks. I want the nothingness I used to feel for people. I want to wander the dark empty streets again. I don't fear the dark, the alleys, or the figures that wait behind corners. They are my companions. I don't want the obligation to wake up in the mornings anymore.

Light.. I play with it. I played with it too much. I can manipulate it, but all I end up creating is an illusion. In the darkness, I am who I am. I am empty, cold, and lonely.

Dawn of the night.

2004-12-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

Oracle Ridge.. rode it today. I go there when I want to forget everything. It's the only trail that pushes me, and forces me to forget the world for a little while.

Still... I was able to avoid the thorny bushes. I miss the pain and the blood of the trails sometimes, but I have so many scars over the years.

And in life, I avoid people through this journey. That pain, I do not miss... and yet, I have so many of those scars as well.

I hate quiet weekends.

Going out tonight, but waiting for a call, so I'm here at home for a bit.

Sorry, but I feel I will never 'fit' in. It was better when I was the outsider looking in. Now, I'm still the outsider,... looking outside.

At last, just me.

2004-12-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

One final obligation, then I'm done.

Then it'll just be me and the road, me on the trails, me on my bikes.

Just me.

w00t. :)

I've been riding my motorcycle more often to work again. Haven't carpooled in awhile, so it allows me to. It's refreshing. It's been a mild 40F degrees in the morning. I like riding in the cold.

Tucson is a perfect winter season town. It's not too cold, and if you want to romp around in the snow, it's only 40 minutes away (Mt. Lemmon). Yes, there is snow in the desert's higher elevation. :) Though, it's covered in pines, it's a winter island paradise in a sea of Sahuaro cacti.

3-paycheck month. I can finally get rid of one of my credit cards. That'll be nice. I can then focus on my last credit card. That'll get paid off with my tax return.

Taking a week off from work the first week in Janurary. I don't have any plans, but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless.

2004-12-10T01:22:00.000-07:00

Tried going to bed early. Fell asleep at 9pm... woke up at 11pm. Nice, a two hour nap. Now I'm up, and can't sleep.

I remember... liking sleeping early, then waking at like 4am totally refreshed. *sigh*

Naps give me the strangest dreams... dreams of death and killing. I can lucid dream, so I hardly have nightmares anymore. Something I practiced since my childhood. Had to.. no one to console you in the dark, panting, sweating, and wanting to scream. No one to tell you it was just a nightmare as they held you close. You learn to adapt. You learn to survive...even in your dreams.

Sleep paralysis scared me the most, until I found out what it was. I no longer fear the presence near me, the pressure that's on me. I welcome it. The ultimate in lucid dreaming... still.. it's fake. There's no one there when I open my eyes.

I wake up with this pressure behind my neck though. It eventually goes away, but it's real. That's what matters.

Just stuff.

2004-12-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

My ex has an interview with where I work at. Same department, but on the programmers side. I hope beyond hope that she gets it. She's been having a rough time at her current job. She's also a gov't worker, as myself, just different departments, different buildings, same old shit.

You can't avoid politics, no matter where you go. It's even more rampant in the public sector. I knew that a long time ago. My ex though, she tries to avoid it at all costs. Problem with politics, it doesn't just vanish if you don't acknowledge it. You have to play the game if you want to survive.

At least here, she has some things going for her. She has a couple friends that work in my department. *sigh* I hope she gets the job here. She needs out of where she's at.

My cousin bought a new mtb frame. I helped pick it out. It's red... kinda weird color, but it's made of 7000-series aluminum, and has awesome geometry. Cost $99. Now we just need to build a bike around that. :)

My brother stopped by for a couple days. He's leaving today though, back up to Phoenix. It was a short visit. I barely got to spend any time with him this visit. Oh well, I should go up there once in awhile.

2004-12-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

I've.... *sigh*

What the fuck were they thinking.

The meeting at work humiliated my entire dept. It singled us out. It was totally degrading.

I'm done for a bit.

I Hate Mondays

2004-12-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hmm... that really isn't fair to Monday, now it is it?

Afterall, isn't Monday really my fault? Or maybe it's my job's fault. Either way, Monday is just an innocent victim of circumstance.

Something to think about I guess.

I'm tired... the day after my weekend (see how I left out saying Monday) always get me tired. It's the time I reflect most on my weekend... hoping to catch one last fleeting glimpse before settling into today.

*sigh* Hmmm... forgot my leftovers. damn.

Tired... but I'll get over it.

Waking up.. how many more mornings in the cold dark. Are my eyes open or closed. I can't tell. An uncomfortable pressure behind my neck is all I feel. It's always there when I wake up. It's company and my companion in the darkness. It tells me my eyes are open.

Pain... I know what it's like to feel it. It's easy, no? I trace my scars with my fingers. I know where each one is without looking. I'm experienced enough to know how to avoid the pain, but I don't. It burns when the rest of me is so cold. I covet it. I hide it away. It's mine, and I won't share it.

I won't hesitate to wake up in the dark. I won't stop to avoid the pain. Hmmm.. but I'll walk away from you every chance I get. Can you feel the distance between us grow?

I'm forgetting what it's like to hold you with each step. It makes me tired, but I'll get over it.

I love Fridays

2004-12-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight after work, I'm heading to my aunt and uncle's place. The one with the new computer. I'm hooking up their printer tonight. Nothing too exciting.

Afterwords, I may head to Epic. It just depends at what time I leave my uncle's, and if I'm still in the mood to go. I haven't been there on a Friday night for over a month. I do like that place.

I'm enjoying my riding...when I'm riding. When I'm done riding... the whole things feels empty, so I want to ride more.. to get that good feeling again. Like a drug, I guess.

*sigh*

I know why I feel that way. I know why I ride alone. There's nothing special about it. It actually sucks. *shrugs* Life is short, then it's over. Not a happey saying, is it? Heheh.. no no.. not depressed... I don't think.

I just miss certain things. I miss laying in the green grass of a park with someone, staring up at a blue sky. Sharing a hot meal at a table for two. Mutual discovery of a new trail to hike. Spur of the moment road trips!!! Ahh.. those were the best. Just to wake up one saturday morning and saying, "Hey, let's go to Flagstaff for the day!". HAHAHA! All we needed was a full tank of gas and $20 in our pockets. Oh... mis-adventures were always the best adventures.

Hmm... I would sometimes say I wasted my youth... but there was nothing really wasted about it. See... I'm not depressed. :)

T-Minus 120 Minutes. 1:59:00

2004-12-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

Kicked ass at work today, and still got 2 hours left to go. What a difference from yestarday! Yes, not every day is perfect, ... not everyday can be perfect, but those days just have to come close. I feel better at work. Nice.

I bought myself a cookie today. Oatmeal Raisin. My fav. Funny... I don't like oatmeal cereal... unless it's in cookie form.

*stretch* Feel wound-up, ya know. It's as if I have this bundle of energy inside me and I can't release it. It's a good feeling though. I'm riding high on how well today is going so far at work. Still got 2 hours left in the day. *knocks on wood*

Tonight... out for dinner. Hmm.. home-cooked or eat out? Dunno, don't care. It won't be at my place. Good company and laughter is all that is required. :)

Worried about... worried about a lot of people. Wish I can make things better for my friends. I think too much now. It's just reason #198 of why I choose solitude for so long.

2004-12-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

Need to get my house back in order. I need to start actually going home afterwork instead of getting there late, then doing a few things on the pc before hitting the sack.

I do love my house, and I feel like I'm neglicting it.

Ugh.. and while I say this, I have plans for tonight and tomorrow night.

I'm sorry home, I hope can you forgive me.

2004-12-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

Nothing.. I mean NOTHING I touched at work went right. God, I feel to fucking useless right now.

It happens, I know it happens. Some days, it just seems like everything I touch breaks. We have good days, and we have bad days.. but GOD! It still pisses me off to no end.

I need a long vacation... i need to win the lottery, retire, and trvel the world. Ah... dreams.

I wish this was a happy world... it is for a few... mediocre to others... and horribly terrible for lots.

I'll write something uplifting soon... I promise. I haven't abandoned you yet, my blog. *sigh*

Sorry

2004-11-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

I feel that I have stretched myself too thin. My fault. I'm treating people like I do my projects... I'm not giving my full attention to them when they need it.

I need to reign myself back in and refocus. A difficult task for me... I should at least slow down. Yeah.. small steps first. I need time to breath. I think I'll leave people alone for a bit.

I remember why I liked being alone now. I remember why I started being alone... but I went to far in that direction also. I hurt some people, and some people hurt back. I don't blame them though. It's life.

I need to strike a balance.

On one hand, I am learning and re-learning some things. That's good.

On the other hand, I'm sending mixed signals to several people, getting them frustrated, mad,... confused? I don't know. I do know it isn't good.

2004-11-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... no one would even miss me if I wasn't here at work today.

Ironic... that's exactly why I came into work today.

And I thank the Lord for the love that I have found
And hold you tight cause tomorrow may never come

- Reach for the Sky, Social Distortion

Anyone seen Lucky?

2004-11-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

*burp* Yuck.

I ate at Lucky's Chinese restaurant. Bit of advice. Never eat at a Chinese restaurant that sounds like it was named after a pet.

Wanted to go to Bison Witches, but it was packed. I had an inkling, as lunch hour, it's always packed, but once in awhile I get lucky... er... no pun intended.

Well.. not this time... do I sense a theme here?

Anyway, this whole incident reminded me of something. I never make important descisions on an empty stomach because I'm prone to do stupid things. Now lunch isn't that important, but does reinforce my rule.

Almost forgot, Pics of El Tour

2004-11-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

I forgot. I posted these a few days ago in my other blog.

Pics of El Tour de Tucson. It was a great turn-out, and I had a blast even though I didn't compete this year. Next year for sure! I so want to do this now.

Pics of El Tour de Tucson!

Enjoy!

2004-11-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... *sigh* I really don't know why I continue to update anymore with either blogs.

Seriously.

These blogs used to be anonymous... then I met some people... and some others know me and the blogs.

And now my day to day stuff... I mean.. they don't need to talk to me anymore.. ask me what's going on.. they can just read it!

And also personal stuff... stuff to just vent, reflect, think about... personal random stuff.... grr.

*sigh*

My ex asked me why I don't date anymore. I don't know... well.. maybe I do... and NO, I am NOT gay. HAHAHA! The male form is hideous. I can't even imagine EVER swinging that way.

I don't know. Just tired of dating... ya know. Yet.. sometimes I want something emotional and intense to share. What I miss that most of all. Sharing discoveries and achievements, either mine or that of someone elses. The ones that make me happy. I find and do things all the time that make me smile, and when I look around... I find that I'm the only one smiling at the end of the day.

I guess I miss being connected to someone.

Yet.. then there are times when all I want to do is be by myself or with other people. I remember dating.. and the constant being together. Hmm.. made me feel selfish and shitty.

If it happens, it happens I guess.

In other news, the Lan-Party was cancelled due to my cousin being outvoted by his family. They didn't want him throwing one. *shrugs* Just as well. The mtb ride today wore me out.

2004-11-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

Working... or to put it more accurately, at work.

Payday today! I gots me some money!!!

Hmm...
FRIDAY:

El Tour Bike Expo today after work.

Dinner with my best friend

SATURDAY:

El Tour Event Tomorrow Morning to support a friend

Tempe later that afternoon to take best friend to see Polar Express at the IMAX!

Dinner at Red Lobster! (all u can eat shrimp!)

True my front rim

SUNDAY:

Riding new trail, "Elephant Head" with a guy named Worm and another cyclist

LAN-Party at cousin's in the afternoon until early morning Monday

Must remember to buy HALO2.

MONDAY:

Drag my sleepy-ass to Work

Hmm... next weekend... I need to find some "me" time.

Lots of stuff going on, but it's all good. :) I'm very content with what's going on with my life.

My neck hurts

2004-11-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. fingers are unnaturally cold compared to the rest of my body. I don't like that, not one bit.

Will ride home and pick up truck and laptop before heading to Epic. Damn, anything to work on a damn bicycle. Need something to keep busy, keep the mind and hands moving.

Shit.. 9 hours here and all I did was replace a keyboard and recover a lost word doc. Yes folks, your tax dollars are hard at work.

They're working out the details of my new dutites as they come up. Until then, they are keeping me on the sidelines. Fuck, as if I wasn't bored enough.

At least I got to sneak home for lunch.

Tired.. not physically.. emotionally. I don't like that either.

I'm going to try to start meditating again. My mom was Buddhist. She wanted me to become a monk when I was 12. She was strange... because she also was intrigued with Christianity. She interjected both religions in me. My dad on the other hand is Catholic. To say I was a confused young boy would be an understatement.

Hmmm...I still remember the chants.

2004-11-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

Bike Polo was interesting last night. Took a bad collision with another player. He ran into me on purpose. I was chasing the ball down field almost to our goal for an easy score. I was sprinting full speed, and really, the only way to block it at this point would be to physically stop me... so someone on the opposite team did.

I don't ride erratic, and I don't ride unsafe when other people are just there to have fun. There was no excuse for what he did. He cut across my line and I plowed into his rear wheel. I flew over the bars and the force of the impact had him flying sideways.

I tucked in my left shoulder and rolled. Unfortunately, at the velocity I was traveling and the angle in which I hit the ground, I bruised my left shoulder pretty badly and 2 knuckles on my right hand. The roll got me immediatly to my feet.

I did taco'd his back wheel very badly, which deep inside, made me happy. My front wheel is just a little untrue. I can fix that in 5 minutes on a truing stand. I love hand-laced wheels.

I couldn't hold the mallet well after that. Our team made a final winning score for that game, so I decided to sit out the rest of the night on the side lines.

Bike polo has a HUGE turnout. Normally games consist of 3v3 or 4v4. With 14-16 people showing up and everyone wanting to play, we get games like 6v6 or 7v7. It's incredibly insane and unsafe with that many bikes on the field.

I do like bike polo, but not when it becomes like this.

Afterwords we head to No Anchovies. My last meal was over 24 hours the day prior! To say I was starving would be an understatement. Food was good, but it's no Zachary's Pizza. Still, it's a hell of a lot faster.

The night was interesting. I can understand why Rich and a lot of the other guys like Annie other than the obvious, that she's very attractive. It's her humor, wit, and zest for life. She does seem to mimick certain personalities with who she is talking to at the time. I don't know if this is conscious effort or sub-conscious effort on her part. Anyway, it's cute.

Reminds me, got advanced tickets to see Polar Express in 3D at the IMAX in Tempe this saturday after I go to the "El Tour". I'm taking a friend of mine. She's been talking about this movie since she saw the previews months ago. I told her and she got so excited. She also loves the IMAX theater. If I can't find my own energy, there's nothing like basking in the positive energy of others. :)

The Latch-Key Life

2004-11-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Geez... I miss being offsite, driving around Tucson on company time and getting paid for it. Instead I'm stuck in the office bored out of my skull.

Hmmm... I hate thinking to myself. Mainly because I find that I have nothing truly interesting going on. That kinda sucks. I mean... really. Work is work. It's not exciting. Outside work... sure I do stuff that I find enjoyable, but it leaves me unsatisfied and empty after it's done.

I just want to... I don't know. Be happy when I'm not doing anything. I want to sit down in a quiet room and just smile on the inside. I just want to be content with doing nothing. To have no worries, no pressure, no stress.

Hmmm... maybe that's what's going on. I do worry a lot. Keeping busy lets me forget that for a little while.

I do miss my childhood sometimes. I don't miss the dysfunctional family matters, but I do so miss the carefree life of being a kid. I was a latch-key kid. No curfew, no chores, no responsibility but to take care of myself. I came and left when I want, ate when I want, cooked my own food... unless I wanted something good. My mom was an excellent cook.

Funny.. I'm still a latch-key kid...except I'm not a kid anymore.

2004-11-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

Decided to take the offer at work. It won't be immediate as I need to be trained. The learning curve is intimidating, but I was never one to back down. People have faith in me, I should have faith in myself.

Spending less and less time at home. One would think this is good... I don't know. I love my home, and I feel that I'm neglicting it. It's been months since I curled up on my couch with large cup of hot chocolate and just enjoyed a DVD wrapped up in a soft blanket.

.. or read a good book by candle light. I should relax more... but then I get restless again. *sigh* I feel that I'm running away from something... anything... loneliness? Maybe...

My brother gave me the first 3 Harry Potter books. I should read those.

Today is bill paying time. Yuck. Minus the mortgage, paying about $600 today is my guesstimate. Oh well, at least I have the funds to pay my bills. So looking forward to next month.

Watching less and less tv, and getting on the internet only an hour after work when I do get home. Feels like I'm losing touch with world outside my own.

My best friend is getting into riding. She's doing wonderful. She mentioned she wants to see me play bike polo. I thought that was cool. :) I'll have to bring her to the games.

Duh!

2004-11-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

So here I am, 3 hours AFTER lunch... HUNGRY!!! I haven't eaten yet. Then it dawns on me... I BROUGHT MY OWN LUNCH IN TODAY!!!

HAHAHAHA!! I had forgot. I brought in some home-made chili. I pop it in the microwave and ate it all. Damn.. left-overs never tasted so good.

I feel stupid now. That is all.

Uh... oh.

2004-11-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

Dis-regard my silly rant of my last entry.

Totally jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Man... this is scarey, but in a good way... for now. Winds of change are blowing.. right in my face. No... more like a hurricane. I can either hide in a hole and let it blow over (which it will) or stand up and look straight into the eye of the storm.

At a crossroads... I just don't know. Man... wish I kept up with my meditations as a kid. I could really use that now.

Damn... this sucks.

2004-11-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Worked sucked today. It's not that I was unproductive, quite the opposite. I kicked ass and done 9 calls, all offsite at the satellites.

So why does it suck? I'm being taken off satellite calls and handed downtown calls. Why does this suck. TWO techs are taking my position!!! TWO!!! Fuck! I just had me out there, and they think I'm not doing SHIT!!! Fuck you assholes! So now they are having me do onsite calls to "keep an eye on me". Fuck fuck fuck!!!

I swear.. it works like this. These lazy assholes... if they think you're being lazier, they get pissed!!! WTF?!?!

2004-11-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

Hmm... this is going to be a long week.

Cleaned up my house a bit. Organized through one pile of junk mail. There's still quite a bit of work left to be done. I'm late on some of my bills. Damn. At least it's just water and gas. The 2 least expensive ones. I get 3 paychecks in December. That'll be good.

Today was a fun day, but damn, I was so tired during the second half. Just bummed around and vegged. I'm happy about what I walked away with at the bike swapmeet.

The problem with vegging is that my mind can't stay quiet. It's always nagging about something. It's the reason I hardly stay home.

I used to love cooking. I hate cleaning though. Anyway, cooking is expensive. I always cook too much for just me, and it eventually goes to waste. Yet.. it's something I can do at home that'll keep me busy.

Red Lobster is continuing the "All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp" until Nov 29. It was really good last time I was there. I may have to do it one more time before it ends.

I also haven't had a good steak in awhile. Hmmm... descisions descisions.

Damn, must be hungry. I'm thinking about sushi as well.

Wrenches = Mechanics

2004-11-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Quiet on all fronts. Let's hope it stays that way. The Fridays after any holiday is always slow. It's one of the reasons I like working them. Everyone else takes the day off, but I may as well get paid to sit on my ass and not waste vacation time.

I've nothing creative to say lately. I just spew out the daily doings of my life which are incredibly boring. It's even more boring when I don't even write it in some creative fashion. *shrugs*

Oh well, I'll at least try to keep them short.

I've been feeling empty lately. Yeah yeah, me and half a billion other people on this planet. Meh to it, ya know?

Work has been good the past couple days. Fixed everything I touched so far. *knocks on wood* Well, 'cept the jail calls. I hate going to the jail.

Riding has been fun. Motorcycling has been fun. Bike Polo has been fun. Hmmm... hanging out with new people has been... fun? Sure.

Oh! So after bike polo, I went to hang out with new people at No Anchovies. I watched a lot because that's what I do. Felt awkward at first being the oldest guy there. At least I think I was the oldest. I also don't drink. Sat next to 3 people heavy into the whole "bike culture". Suprisingly, it's not my thing. I just ride. End of story.

Lots of people were there, and I had a hard time hearing people on the other end of the table while bad (yet very funny) karaoke was being sung next door.

Annie was worried that I was bored most of the time. I wasn't. If I was bored or didn't like the company I was with, I wouldn't have stayed the whole time, but I did stay because... well.. other than I didn't have anything else to do, I like people watching and listening. It was interesting. You can pick out all the different personalities of people and see how they play off each other. It can be dynamic sometimes. Other times, you can predict how others will react before they say something. You also notice small ques from people watching other people... body language type stuff. Yes, very interesting indeed.

When is it The One?

2004-11-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

I must remind myself what is "love" and what is "lust" for I think I'm forgetting.

People are always talking about "the one", but is it "THE one" or is it just "the first ONE" to come along and truly reciprocate love? Does that mean no one else can do so after you find "the one"? Of the billions of people on the planet only "one" can reciprocate your love the rest or your life? At what point do we go from "the one" to the "next one".

How many times have we fallen "in love" only to have the other person or we ourselves fall out of love? Yes, well apparently they weren't "the one", now were they. Yet we treated it like it was. Eventually we move on to the "next one".

Heck, my ex was once married before she met me. She fell out of love and moved onto me, and eventually moved on after me.

We treat love like some civic duty we have to perform when we think we found "the one". Does this make sense? Just because we have "the one", why can't we have "two", or "three", or more? Just because it so happened we found the first one to reciprocate our love, that excludes anyone else who could do the same?

Let's simplify this further. Like an inanimate object you adore. A piece of jewelery for example. Your favorite for whatever reason, aesthetics, sentimental, whatever. Can no other be your favorite? Did Fate just throw this piece of jewelry in your lap and you just happened to say, "Oh! You are the one!"? Did it truly matter what fell in your lap? Can we not have more than just ONE favorite?

Yes yes.. people have feelings and inanimate objects don't, but what are feelings but simple weather patterns in our body.

When we find "the one", do we exclude any other attempts to find a better one or to trade up (well, some of us anyway). I find that interesting.

People are trying to find just one, and get hurt when it turns out NOT to be "the one". Why? There is truly not "just one". There are hundreds!

I don't know. I think I'm losing my emotional self and it's getting hard to understand what I'm supposed to feel, love or lust. Perhaps I'm just becoming an automan, built of wires and electronic pulses doing things... just because.

The Rut

2004-11-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

Been thinking lately, which I do when I have nothing else to occupy my time.

My life is pretty boring. Really. I work, I pay bills, and I ride (motorcycle and bicycle). That's it. There's no drama in my life. It's all pretty boring. This is what we call, "the rut".

Seriously, the biggest problem in my life right now is floating my bills. How incredibly lame is that? Oh.. that and I can't seem to throw out junk mail when I receive it. Sheesh.

What do I want in life? I dunno. I guess someone to share my boring life with. Yet.. saying that makes me feel needy, and I don't want to feel that way. Perhaps I'm just tired of picking myself up every morning, day in, day out. I want someone to push me out the door, complain to me about my life, to tell me to pick up after myself, someone to make fun of me... in that good kind of way.

Sleep habits are totally fucked up lately.. and I don't care. Sad.

2004-11-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

The Incredibles atart today, and the DVD release of Shrek 2. Oh man oh man.

I ordered a single speed hub on eBay a few days ago, paid, and no response from the seller. I HATE it when they do this. Grrr. C'mon, I paid within 24hrs. THe least they could do is respond back.

Chili Cook-off and Shadowrun today! Yah!!! :)

2004-11-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Bush for 4 more years. I voted for Kerry, so meh to it. Oh well. We can hope good things can still come of this, and "we the people" can still change things regardless of who is in the white house. Right? Right? Bueller? Bueller?

Still, it hurts when there's more republicans in the house and senate, and supreme court, etc.

Starting to build the single speed. Should be fun, but I still need to put cash away from rainy days. Lessons learned my friend, lessons learned. When you've gone through all the financial hardships I've had to overcome, you begin to appreciate the penny saved is a penny earned theory.

Tired... physically tired.. not mentally or emotionally. This is a good tired. :) I just need to work on my sleep habits again. It just comes down to discipline.

2004-11-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hate ebay. I ordered carank bolts almost a week ago, and the seller hasn't even shipped them out today, and no responses to my email. I paid for the product 5 minutes after the auction! Crap.

Grr... phone at work is ringing off the damn hook. It's funny. Some users KNOW that there's a network problem, but they STILL call into the help desk. WTF? If you know the network is down for everyone, and you know they have already called it in, and you know that we are working on it, why keep reminding us that it's down?

2004-10-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

I need to call in sick to work more often. Not that I am really sick other than just sick of work.

I've been noticing more and more of my coworkers calling in sick, and I want in in some of this action. Afterall, I have 2 months of sick time. The last time I called in sick, everyone was so shocked. I call in sick perhaps once a year.

Thing is, if I don't call in sick, we are rewarded. We can transfer up to 50 hours of sick time directly to vacation time at our anniversary. Right now, I have over 2 months of vacation time.

Bike Polo was incredibly fun last weds. I lost a crank bolt out on the field. It was funny. Right as the last point in the last game was scored, my left crack arm fell off it's spindle. I was like, WHOA! Talk about timing. I picked up my crank arm and put it back. It held until I got to my truck.

I had ordered a new bolt that same night online. I hope it arrives soon. I'm going to go next weds as well to play some more.

As usual for me, I relly didn't talk to anyone off the field. I just sorta stood there watching. Oh well, they at least tolerated me. That's enough to make me happy. If next weds goes just as well, then I'd continue to attend the games. It really is fun playing. I had a total blast.

Random things

2004-10-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Itching to ride more, both motorcycle and mountain biking. I mtb last Saturday, but missed on Sunday. Had a lot going on, but at least I cleaned my house.

I've been riding my motorcycle more lately as well. That always makes me happy.

I think there are 2 reasons I work in the field that I do. One, I'm good at what I do. Second, it's a service related field, and I do enjoy helping people. Of course, I like helping those that appreciate my help. :)

I talked to Rich last night at Epic cafe. Just for a few minutes. We both had our seperate business for being there. Anyway, he really does want to get into mtb. That's good. Though I ride solo, if I can just introduce him to some of the trails around town, that'll be good.

I also mentioned that I want to start a new Dungeons & Dragons campaign now that Shadowrun may be on hold indefinately with Korey and Dove moving away. Gaming nights literally is magical.

If I'm falling down, would I know it?

2004-10-22T06:26:00.000-07:00

Feel asleep at 7:30pm, woke up at 3:30am. I find that very interesting for some reason.

This week has been fascinating to say the least, and it's not even over yet.

It's had it's ups and downs... unfortunately, more downs.

I broke a promise. I think that hurt more than anything I have ever experienced. My timing could not have been more off if i had planned it. I was supposed to help someone make a costume tonight. Sounds small, right? No... nothing is small. Nothing is trivial.

I don't know what happening anymore. It's as if I can't do anything right.

Part of it was due to my stubborness. I'm just tired.

I wonder if this is what depression feels like? To tell you the truth, I've never been truly depressed. Really. Or maybe.... maybe I have been, and never realized it. Yet then... is it a depression? Do depressed people know that they are depressed?

I figure they should... how do you NOT know how you are feeling.

I don't know. This is all very confusing to me, and now I'm pissed.

If it's above 60F, it's too damn hot.

2004-10-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

Work has been extremely busy for me. We have a GRAND TOTAL of 55 work orders between 9 technicians/programmers. I ALONE HAVE 25% OF THEM! Yes folks, I am the most worked tech with 15 work orders in my que alone. The other techs have an average of 5 calls in their que. Why do you ask? Easy, I'm the fucking best. I get shit done. It's sad really. Had I been a poor work performer, I wouldn't get so many calls.

I do more calls in one day then they do in an entire week.

I wouldn't call this ego-stroking if I wasn't so fucking pissed off about it. Now you dear readers, know why I complain about my co-workers so fucking much.

Looking forward to this coming paycheck. I so desperatly need a new riding jacket that fits properly. With the cooler weather arriving, having a comfy jacket is nice.

People ask me if I'm worried about the cold weather on my motorcycle. I tell them, and quite truthfully, I prefer winter riding. See, in the winter, you can bundle up and layer to keep warm. In the summer, you can only get so naked before you're arrested.

Just... being me.

2004-10-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

I can feel myself withdrawing. I don't know if this is bad or good. I'm thinking... good.

I need to get back to my true self. I've been trying to deny myself that, avoiding it. Like something not said out loud, and it has been haunting me in back of my mind.

It's better to accept what I can't change, and just change what I can. Yeah, life is easier that way. Path of least resistance.

Life can be funny and cruel all at the same time.

Hmm... should get my priorities back in check. Work, home, me. Hm... I'm last on that list. That's okay.

Having less fun lately after my vacation. I guess flying really high makes walking on the ground seem like a real downer when it's really just a normal thing.

Being me isn't all that bad. It can be pretty good when I allow myself to be who I really am.

Yeah. :)

Back to work

2004-10-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I hate coming back to work after a long vacation. It's hard for me to get back into the groove of things.

Vacation was great! I have more details of it in my other journal with pics.

Broke as a joke lately. The trip really wiped me out financially. Not that I mind, it was worth it, but it's time to play catch up now.

I was sooo happy to see new episodes of Andromeda!!! I thought the show ended last season! I mean, EVERYONE DIED except for Dillon Hunt. Goes to show, if there's no body, they aint dead.

Unfortunately, I missed most of the first new episode so it confuses me as to how they came back to life. Andromeda really is my favorite non-cartoon show.

Hmm... still a little sick. Have this nagging cough. I didn't think it was that obvious, but a co-worker just mentioned that I sound sick. Not good. They don't like people sick coming into work. I understand, they themselves do not want to get sick. I may call in tomorrow or wednesday.

Dreaming

2004-10-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

I had the strangest, yet most inspirational dream last night. It was amazing, and so detailed. The stangest part I think is that it was the most coherent dream I had.

It took place in a HUGE empty ruined castle somewhere in Europe. I was left there to die, tossed away like refuge. I was thrown into a pit of caverns underneath the castle. There, I survived and flourished. I made it my home, eventually creating a heating/cooling system, plants (that talked), clean water, etc. My only friends where these incredibly strong snails which would lift heavy things for me.

I eventually became master of the castle.

The dream was very very long. Upon waking up, I wanted to go back to sleep and dream about that place some more.

Fear and Loathing in Tucson

2004-10-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

Oh the few trails I know, Oracle Ridge offers the most reward even though it's the shortest ride.

I rode it Sunday morning. I pushed myself.. harder than I should.. but for reasons that are my own.

I lived. I could not think of my life's problems. Survival wouldn't allow it.

I don't get a rush from barreling down a rocky cliff. I don't feel the high of the andrenaline. So why do I risk getting hurt so badly.

Focus. I have only the here and now to think about. It's the only time where my mind is so clear.

At the end of the trail, my heart wants to do it again, but my body.. so tired, so jolted from the rocky trail won't allow it.

Later that day, life sucked for a bit.

I went to Reid Park to sort things out. I walked around.. saw happy people. Made me feel worse. I was tired. Sleep patterns screwed up lately. I stopped walking at the amphitheater. There was a BMX track right were the amphitheater is years and years ago. I close my eyes and I can still see it. Happy memories.

I laid down there in the shade, on the grass. I rested my head on my motorcycle gloves and stared at bright green trees against the cloudless blue skies. The grass was cool. So tired, so sleepy. I closed my eyes and I feel asleep there. Those quick dreamless sleeps. I would not even had known I fell asleep had I not noticed the sun was just a tad lower behind the trees. Thoughts were coming to my head now.. like a flood of rushing water.

The only thing I wanted was someone to share this with. It made me sad. I sat up. A father and his child were nearby. He was teaching him to roll down a hill. Laughter, sweet and innocent. The young boy never rolled down a grassy hill before. He liked it, a natural at it he was. I smiled. Time to leave.

I walked to my motorcycle. A woman drove up and parked next to my ride as I was walking up. I intimidated her, surprised her. She wouldn't get out until I started up and left. I saw it from the corner of my eye, she was afraid of me.

That's typical. I don't blame her really. I'm used to it anyhow. I'm used to people being afraid of me. All my life, people were afraid. If they only knew, I was just afraid of them.

Another bike project?

2004-10-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.... thinking about building a single-speed beater bike. SOmething made with the cheapest parts I can find... or can afford.

I need some other hobby than riding, I think. Can;t ride all the time. Ironic.. building another bike because I can't ride all the time. Just thought of that.

The reason for the singlespeed is that bike polo looks interesting. Hardest part is figuring out how to attend the meetings. I live near Marana. I don't want to come home from work, pick up my bike, then drive all the way back to the UA. That'll suck.

I also don't want to drag my bike on my truck where it'll be somewhere while I work my 8-5 shift. Where will I lock it up? If I had a beater bike, it may not look so tempting.

I can ride my bike to work, but then I'll have to ride 15 miles back home in the dark. I don't mind that.. I just don;t want some drunk to hit my after happy hour. Bike vs Car... exactly.

I don't know... need more hobbies that don't cost money.

I have a spare frame and other misc. parts laying around. I wonder if I should custom paint the frame. Nothing professional.. hahah... just some spray paint. Yeah, it'll get scratched to hell easily, but the worse it looks, the safer it'll be from someone stealing it.

Next difficult part is "clicking" with people. I meet new people now and then and join clubs of sorts, and never just "click" with them... not like my brother or other people I know. They just make it look so easy. I don;t know how they do it.

I'm a member!... well, sort of.

2004-09-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

My brother gave me his Tucson Gold's Gym membership since he now lives in Phoenix. That was really cool of him. He works out at LA Fitness now up there.

The Gold's membership is free since he's an employee of Rural Metro FD. There's a Gold's right across the street from where I work in downtown. I can work out during my lunchhour. I just have to assume my bro's identity. They don't check IDs or pictures though.

I have to remember to bring in a lock.

I was never one to like going to the gym. I rather spend my time exercising outdoors. *sigh* But I've neglicted working my upper body other than the usual pushups at home. I didn't realize how boney my shoulders are compared to the rest of my body. And it's not that I'm skinny. Oh no, far from it. I weigh in at a hefty 210. I have the love handles and a wide girth despite my constant bicycling. Just my shouders have very little fat or meat. I'm weird lookin'. HAHAHA!

I'll pick up a lock this weekend and start Monday. I should start cutting out sugars and flour again. Carbs are okay, I just eat very little in the morning to get me through the day.

My brother made a workout routine for me. He's a former bodybuilder. Did several shows in Tucson and Phoenix. He also graduated from UA as a Nutritionalist or something like that. He worked as a personal trainer and manager for the Wellness Center at Metro Fitness (when they were still "Metro Fitness"), and a nutritional consultant for Sierra of Tucson. Yes, the posh rehab center to the Stars. It's nice having a brother as a personal trainer sometimes. I should take more advantage of that.

The Ol' Gang

2004-09-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Last night, my brother and I decided to hang out with a cousin of ours. Ya know, the best times happen when things just fall into place at the spur of the moment. That's what happened last night. It's these times that create good memories down the road. Like the memories we love to talk about at the table with gathered friends.

After work, my brother and I decided to call a cousin of ours. We asked him to meet us at the Peter Piper Pizza on 12th and Valencia. Yes... the infamous GHETTO Peter Piper on the south SIII-IIDE! If you've lived in Tucson for any period of time, you know this place. On the way my brother called up our close childhood friend to join us. We knew this character for 20+ years. He in turn called up another one of our close friend and his brother who we also have also known for 20 years. There are very few lifelong friends in my life. Ones that no matter what the distance, will always be there for one another. These guys are them.

Oh man, the old gang was getting back together. I could not believe how things were just falling to place. It's as if the old times back in highschool never missed a beat. Just some friends getting together for some laughs, talking about old times, new times, and future times. The only difference now is that as we got older, we all had our seperate lives. Back in the day, our lives consisted of each other. That has changed immensley. We have our jobs, our families, responsibilities, etc. Getting together like this is a miracle. We couldn't have planned it any better if we tried.

We spent 4 hours at the peter piper pizza just talking and being happy. They were closing so we then hung outside in the parking lot for another 30-45 minutes. Even the cops came out to pass us by. We talked and laughed. Relived old memories and shared more present memories. Ahh...good times...no.. GREAT times!

My brother suggested I bring my digi camera because this paticular cousin we were visiting is hard to get ahold of (I have LOTS of cousins in Tucson). It turned out to be perfect when our old friends should up.

From left to right: Phillip (brother), Jose (friend), Carlos (friend), Kiet (friend), Mike (cousin)

Jose, Carlos, and Kiet we knew because we lived on the same street, same block. Jose and Carlos are the brothers. We all met in 1983. This pic was taken Sept. 27th, 2004 at the Ghetto Peter Piper. They are my friends, they are mi familia.

Someone stop this yo-yo ride.

2004-09-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

Moody lately. It sucks. What's up with that? I feel like such a chick. I like the highs, but the lows suck.

Hmmm.. funny.. most of the time I'm on a high is when I'm doing something other than being on a computer. I was productive this weekend, yet it doesn't feel like it was productive enough. That sucks.

Highlights include riding, sushi, Resident Evil 2, spending time with cousin's family and friends, being productive.

Lows include everything else in between.

2004-09-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Am I that abnormal?

Hmmm... I guess so.

People tell me "normal is over-rated". If that's so true, why do I and thousands of others spend their entire lives trying to achieve it?

I just want to be one of those normal people so bad.

Just thinking

2004-09-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Two more weeks until Disneyland. I can't wait for several reasons... all good reasons. :) A close friend and I are leaving on Monday Oct. 11th, returning Friday. Five wonderful days at the happiest place on earth. I need a break from work. I need a vacation.

Need to save up. I'm too materialistic. heh. I wasn't always like this. Oh no. I grew up "middle-class". Middle class is screwed. It's as bad as being poor without any of the benefits of being poor. It's worse when your dad is a tight-wad.

See, we never got hand outs, yet we were never rich enough buy the things we wanted or even needed.

Still, with imagination and creativity... I had a blast as a child, and I didn't need money. We never got an allowance. My family was screwed up, just as any other American family, but I was never abused. Actually... I was neglected and left to my own devices all my life. I was what they call, a "latch-key kid".

I'd wake myself up for school, make my own breakfast, and leave without seeing my parents. At the end of the day, I'd walk into an empty house, make dinner, and then play outside until it was too dark to see. Eventually I'd fall asleep as I had no curfew. Rinse and repeat.

In a way, it was really cool as it made me self-reliant. I worked and fixed my own stuff, cook, do laundry, and heal myself if I ever got hurt. Being hurt sucked though. My brother and I HAD to heal ourselves. Any mention to our parents that we were hurt only brought down their wrath on us. Serisouly.. what sucks more than being hurt AND have a screaming parent in your ear? I had a knife clean through my palm once when I was 9 (don't ask). My parents to this day still don't know about it. It sucks not to have comfort.

I hated showers and bath time, but what 10 year old didn't hate it? That's the only time my parents interacted with me. When they ordered my to take a shower. Hahaha.

*sigh* Yet... it was lonely. I had a few circle of friends and my little brother. Not too many wanted to get lost in the desert for 6 hours on the weekend. Not to mention, these kids had parents that wanted them home on occasion. My brother was and still is one of my best friends. Ahhh..the adventures we could tell you. heheh.

I never received gratuitous hugs from my parents. I grew up in a very non-touchy family. Unless I know someone really well, hugs feel very awkward for me.

I'm moody today. This post is begining to piss me off.

Fall

2004-09-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

Nothing really going on right now in my life. Well, nothing worth noting anyway. I'm either riding or I'm working it seems so I wanted to do something for the first day of Fall.

Yestarday I was bad though. Played hookey from work. First day of Fall and it was gorgeous out. Rode my bike for 3 hours, then my motorcycle. Visted some family around town. My cousin is manager of a local paintball store on Speedway. Visited him at work, then took his family out for pizza. They usually feed me, so I thought it would be nice to take them out. He and his wife have the cutest son and daughter.

I enjoyed yestarday even if it wasn't too eventful... still, it was just nice to be slow every once in awhile.

Work suxxors

2004-09-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

Shit, county servers have blocked livejournal. It's one of my main sources of reading material here at work. Now what the fuck do I do? I mean seriously, I have just 4 freak'n calls in my que.

Hm. I'm here 10 minutes, I'm already bored, and my shift doesn't start 'till 8am.

*sigh* This is going to be a looong day.

Mind Games

2004-09-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Heh, spent 2 hours last night formatting and re-installing the OS on my main PC. Funny thing is, after 2 hours of work, I then realized I had installed the WRONG OS. How the hell I didn't notice until 2 hours later is beyond me.

Shadowrunning on Friday night was incredibly fun. The runners failed in their mission, but they did it with some pretty wild creativity. Hahaha! I gave them ample opportunity to succeed, but I can give them a simple mission, and they'll turn it into something overtly complicated. My friends are funny that way. :)

Had an enjoyable weekend. It was far too short though. It was fun, but not too productive. Heh... had to do my chores late last night. Perhaps that's why I didn't notice installing the wrong OS. My mind was in a thousand directions at once. It also didn't help that I was "wowed" by some pics last night. Hahaha... ooh mercy...

MTB Saturday and Sunday. Sunday was gorgeous though. It was perfect perfect perfect trail weather. It sprinkled a little but the air... it was so cool. It had an electrical energy. It wasn't t-storms... it just made me want to ride forever. It's as if I couldn't run out of energy. My body was sucking it through the air like a sponge. I can't wait until the weather is always cool, and I can ride all day.

I realized I haven't rode road in a long time. Before I got my truck, I would always ride my mtb on the road. I kinda miss it now. It's a great workout, and a change from all the mtb I do. I'm also able to ride longer and further. I'll have to switch it up once inawhile.

Hmmm... I have coffee now.. but now I don't want any. It's like this sometimes. What you can't have, you always want. Once you got it though, you hardly want it anymore.

Dark Dungeons!

2004-09-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

I found this years ago, and recently re-discovered it. It's friggin' hilarious.

The most obvious error in this scenario is having a group with that many females. That's what we geeks WISH our group consisted of!

The second error is making a female player quit. No geek in his right mind would want a female player to quit. Who else are we going to "hit on" in-game? (joking, we're all too geeky to really do that).

This whole comic is absurd, but does put a big ol' smile on my face. :)

Dark Dungeons (1984) by Jack T. Chick

Selfishness of myself

2004-09-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

I don't have nightmares anymore. Well, not counting the one a couple months back, but that was different.

Anyway, I made a very selfish decision in my dream last night, so when I woke up this morning, I felt so disgusted with myself. I hope that wasn't who I truly am.

*sigh* Woke up late too. I forgot to set my alarm so I woke up 40 minutes late. I made it to work on time, but I hate getting to work and hitting the ground running. I should be running now.

Going to Epic cafe to work on the Shadowrun mission afterwork. My cousin doesn't get off until 7pm, and he won't be home until around 7:30pm. That'll give me 2 solid hours to finish up the missions for tonight. I really really much rather DM a D&D game.

I finally made coffee this morning at work... must drink. Bye.

On the Balance of things.

2004-09-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

For everytime I am reminded of the poopy-heads I work with, I am also reminded of those few co-workers that really help me.

I can tell this is going to be one of those moody days so I'm going to enjoy this upswing I have right now while it lasts. It's when you can stop and recognize these moments as they happen that make them memorable.

Anyway... work has stopped being busy at the moment to allow myself to exhale at last. It went smooth, not because things fell into place, but because I know what I am doing. This is part of the reason I enjoy my job despite some "outside" forces. I am good at what I do. It's nice to know what you're doing when people count on you to know what you're doing. That sounds redundant. Hahaha! I don't care. I'm simple at the moment... I want to be simple all the time.

There is a part of myself I push down. A part of me that I keep locked away even from myself. This part of me, if I let out, will make me sad. Just thinking about it now, I can feel the upswing slowing. I can't dwell on it for too long or I'll go in an insane depression.

Thing is, it isn't real... well... I mean.. it'll never happen. What I want isn't real. I shouldn't focus on things that can't happen, could never happen, yet... it's so hard not to. Hmm... suddenly, I see storm clouds on the horizon of my feelings ready to blot out the light that is in me.

Ironic... I love storm clouds.

And the world goes ever on and on...

2004-09-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

I really, and I mean REALLY need to escape. My co-workers are pissing me the fuck off. I can do this job myself, but it pisses me off to no end when the help I'm supposed to have does nothing but complain. It would be better if I was bymyself, then I would just accept the fact I have no fucking help. I swear this is why I just like being bymyself. This is the reason I force myself into solitary confinement. I can accept the reality that I only have me to rely on.

Fuck, I hate entries like this. I hate being mad. It's so much of a waste of fucking energy.

I hate my life sometimes.

Time to get shit done.

Meet your johnson.

2004-09-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... what a difference from yestarday. From practically starving yestarday to eating too much today. *blegh*

I want to mtb so bad right now. Too bad I'm stuck at work. *sigh* I need to decide on where to ride this weekend. I want to know where more trails are. I'll have to look some up.

Running a Shadowrun campaign this Friday night. I love Shadowrun. I love to play Shadowrun with my player character, but I don't like to be the "johnson" (Game Master). I only agreed to johnson it is because I alternate nights with another "johnson" to give him a chance to play a character.

I much much rather DM a Dungeons & Dragons campaign as I know the rules to that game much more intimately. Unfortunatley, my friend who I alternate SR with HATES D&D. He's the only one in our group though. Everyone else loves D&D.

Ah well, I need to come up with another run'n gun mission. That's all I know how to do in SR.

I guess I should get started.

Missing: Breakfast Last seen: Yestarday

2004-09-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

"Never ever miss breakfast.", I keep telling myself. I must be getting old now. I can't function without 8 hours of sleep, I go to bed at 10pm, and if I miss breakfast, I get a headache by noon.

I carpooled today, and I was running extremely late so I didn't get a chance to eat any breakfast. Big mistake. I should have eaten the lasagna as soon as I got in this morning, but I didn't want to have nothing for lunch. *sigh*

By noon, leftover lasagna nuked for 3 minutes never tasted soo goood. It was hot, cheesy, meaty, and saucy. It had melted mozzerella on top and warm riccota cheese in the middle. It was soaked in a wonderful spicey sauce with healthy chunks of flavorful sausage.

Grr... still have the headache.

Now I'm tired. That sleepy tired. Ya know, where you struggle to keep your heavy eyelids open. That's the worse kind when you're at work. I was able to take a short 20minute nap on my lunch hour. One of the benefits to having your own office with a locking door. Still... I'm tired. I could have slept for another 2 hours or so. *yawn* I probably would have if it weren't for the phone ringing right before my lunch hour ended.

An LJ user has a beautful doggie, a husky. She looks so soft, and very very cute. It must be nice hugging that dog. I'd hug that dog every chance I got. *smiles* Pets know what unconditional love is. That alone is the most beautiful thing a pet can posses and give.

The Grind of fast food.

2004-09-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

Decided to go grocery shopping last night, since my uncle cancelled on me. I didn't plan on it, but I was inspired by the Fry's ad I got in the mail. There were some terrific gongas so I made a quick list and headed off to Fry's a block away. It was nice to see that it wasn't crowded, but I wasn't surprised. The Super Wal-Mart just down the street (near I-10) took away some of the business. There's just something soothing about a quiet empty supermarket with it's greenish flourescent lighting reflecting off the tiled floors.

My ex got me in the habit of walking down EVERY aisle of a supermarket. It's good because I see things I need to buy that I would normally would have forgotten. The bad is that I spend more money than I intended to, and I spend a LOT of time wandering in a grocery store.

I spent enough to last me several weeks in what I just spent in the last 5 days just eating out. Well, okay... not JUST eating out, but that's were the majority of my money went.

I still think you can save money eating out though given enough will power to limit what you buy. Unfortunately, it's not from the most healthiest of selections to choose from.

I've taking a liking to Long John Silver's .99 cent fish sandwich. Just one sandwich is filling! Yet, being me, I have to get coleslaw and a softdrink which ups the total tab.

Church's chicken has 2-piece Tuesdays for .99, but again, I opt for the combo meal instead.

Der Weinerschnitzel has an AWESOME combo, the 3 for $3.33 (used to be $3 flat). You get a Chili Cheese Dog, Chili Cheese Burger, and Chili Cheese fries! That's enough to fill the hungriest of persons. There's just something that's pure addictive in their chili. It's like crack. ANyway, with that combo, I can spred that across to make it 3 meals for me.

Just about every fast food place now has a dollar value menu with something for everyone.

If I can just control myself to spend .99 per MEAL, then I'd make out like a bandit.

Now, the point is NOT to get full on fast food. That's a horrible diet. Just eat enough to not be hungry anymore. It just that fast food tastes SOOO GOOOD! Damn their tastiness!

My memory... it's so bad. I bought bag of my favorite coffee (caramel truffel), and a huge bag of Splenda that's equivelent to 5 pounds of sugar, but I forgot to bring it in this morning!!! *sigh* On an upnote, I did sneak away yestarday to grab my forgotten lasagna leftovers which I didn't end up eating, but it's in my office fridge. It'll be my lunch today! :)

I must be bored

2004-09-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, another entry. Third one today! *rolls eyes*

I was supposed to go to my uncle's after work to install a new scanner he just bought. I don't really mind, but his computer is ancient ancient. It's 10 years old. It's getting increasingly difficult to make his computer work with the latest and greatest gadgets.

So my uncle calls me, "Tony, I checked the scanner. It has USB."

ME: "Ok, but does it have a parallel port?"

UNCLE: "Oh.. no, just USB."

ME: "Well, it won't work then. Your computer has no USB ports."

UNCLE: "Oh. Ok, I guess I'll sell it."

ME: "???", "Uhhh...ok, thanks for calling. I would have shown up to install it."

UNCLE: "Oh, yeah. You don't have to come over tonight."

ME: "Ok, thanks, bye."

UNCLE: "Bye"

Now, I probably could have mentioned they do make USB cards to install, but I really don't want him pouring any more money into that relic of a computer! He HAS to buy a new pc. I told him this countless times, but to no avail.

I'm also his "go-to-guy" for all computer ailments. I keep his PC happy so it keeps him happy. He's now wanting to do the cool stuff with his pc lately, webcams, video confrencing, internet phone, digi-cams, scanning, etc. Well, his pc is TEN YEARS OLD!!! I should know, I GAVE it to him 5 years ago!

I even setup an offer to sell him a newer computer for ONLY $100 through a 3rd party, but he flat out refused!!! *pulls out hair* Grrr..

It's getting harder and harder to hold his current PC together, making my job harder and harder to help him.

It still baffles me as to why he said, "I'll sell it" (refering to the scanner). If he just bought it, can't he return it? *sigh* I wonder if he bought it from someone. weird.

Well, my evening plans are shot to hell. Story of my life. Hmm... I seem to have lots of stories, too bad they're all rather dull.

Pigs

2004-09-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I work with pigs, inconsiderate fucking pigs. It's no fucking wonder why my department gets such a bad rap at potlucks. This time, it was LEFT OVERS! We were invited to scarf down left overs like dogs at a dinner table, and my dept. still horded the food. Oh, but not to eat right away. Oh no, they bring in their own fucking tupperware to save it in their fridge!!! Holy shit man! Some people just want something to eat, but these pigs take ALL the food to hide it away in their fucking hole!

Jesus, I don't fucking blame the other departments for making fun of us and not inviting us to these events.

Cravings

2004-09-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm craving coffee again in the morning. I haven't fired up my coffee maker in my office for months now.

I need to remember to bring in Splenda though.

I love coffee and pastries in the morning. Mmmmmm. It makes me so happy. Something in my brain causes me to totally relax when I have coffee and pastries together. *sigh* Pastries though aren't good for a diet... it's the anti-diet. Sugar and white flour.. bad stuff. *double sigh* I need to lose just 12 more lbs., then I'd be at my ideal weight for my height (imho). I do need to build up more muscle mass, but gym membership at the moment has been put on hold until after my disneyland trip.

I forgot my lunch today, leftover lasagna. It's sitting on my dining table at this moment at home. *cries* I put it in tupperware and everything this morning. I can't beleive I forgot it not 3 minutes after I took it out of the fridge. I have to find a way to get back home to pick it up during my lunch hour. My memory is so bad.

I had a great time yestarday at the motorcycle rally. I'm still thinking about it. heheh. Fun.. very fun. I should get back into doing them more often... I just.. eh.

I'm getting back into the habit of blogging boring crap again. This is the rut I usually get into. This is what makes me want to quit blogging. I've been very uninspired lately. I type because I'm bored at work. I forgot my magazines to bring in. I like to read magazines.

The Rally

2004-09-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

Here are the pics I took at the rally!

Pics of the Rally HERE

Arrived about 30 minutes prior to registration for the rally at Chuy's on east Tanque Verde. The weather was nice and cool, so I didn't mind hanging around with other riders. I haven't done a rally in over a year, so I was looking forward to this little trip to Patagonia.

One of the Sun Riders introduced himself. His name is BB and he was talking to me about the new poker run rules, or what he called, "Poker Walk". Instead of poker stops on the bike along the way, the entire poker run was setup with merchants in Patagonia, AZ. Basically, once you arrived, you walked to different vendors to draw your cards. It's was kinda neat in that I walked in places I normally wouldn't have. I guess it was a way to draw in some local business as hundreds of bikers rumbled into their quiet little community.

As more people arrived, at about 9am, the first group mounted up to start a ride to Patagonia. This was a small group of roughly 20 or so riders. Mainly, this group consisted of those that had breakfast prior or didn't want any. A lot of other riders had ordered and were eating breakfast at Chuy's by the time this group started up. I decided to join this group, as I rarely eat before a ride anyhow.

Boy, normally, I cruise in a group at about 55-65mph. I was in a group of big-twins power cruisers! Our average speed between stops was about 85mph, and some of our speeds topped 98mph! I mean... it's a BEAUTIFUL ride to Patagonia, yet at 90+mph, you don't have time to check out the view. I had to concentrate on my lines and distance from other riders as we were in the standard staggered position. Every thing happens alot faster at those speeds so focus is key. Not to mention, dodging cars along the way. Oh, and the posted speed limit is 55mph. Oops.

At our last stop, about 15 miles before patagonia (where the 83 and 82 cross), I decided to cut my rest short and head out solo before the rest of the group. About 4 miles in, I actually caught up with a group that left from Tombstone, AZ. They were going slower than I normally go! Talk about an extreme opposite from the first group. I didn't mind though. I rolled up, and closed the rear. This group was a bunch of Goldwing type cruisers, complete with cup holder and stereos! Nice :)

Patagonia is a speed trap town going from 55, to 40, to 30 all within a mile stretch. Rolling in, there were already 2 speed busts and the flashing reds and blues were there to welcome us to Patagonia. Ah... gotta love it where the az rangers wear cowboy hats and sling a 6-shooter.

Once there, I decide to get a drink and a snack. A local Hot Dog stand was making a killing. I started out with a Kraut Dog. It was good, best I've had in a long time! They used soft french rolls for buns. For drinks, I walked over to the local general store were 44oz. fountain drinks are just .95 cents. Anywhere else was a ripoff.

Oh, I won an sinulated water bottle for a door prize. It's nice. I poured my fountain drink in it and it worked out perfect.

I then went ahead and did the "Poker Walk" as they called it. It was kinda neat as it was like a scavanger hunt as well, walking up and down main street trying to find the poker draws. By the time I was done, I didn't do too well. Just a pair, 5 of diamonds. Ah well, it was fun nonetheless.

I walked around awhole lot taking pics, admiring the sweet rides, and just people watching. Let me tell you, lots of interesting people these wonderful bikers.

By noonish, I was getting hungry so I stopped at my usual eatery in Patagonia, "Gathering Grounds". They serve ice cream and sandwiches. Kinda pricey, but there best deal is the 1/2 sandwich and cup of soup for $5. Their "Dakota Grill" sandwich is the BEST. Yumm!

After that, I decided to head back to town solo all the way. Cruised at 65mph once I left the speed traps. It was nice. Southern AZ is not all harsh desert. Near patagonia, you'll see rolling hills and plains, windmills, and horses grazing peacefully. It was blue skies all the way. It was beautiful. I still have the smile plastered on my face. :D

Today

2004-09-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

Woke up late, so I decided to ride Goulder Ranch/50-year trail as it's the closest trail to me. Had a good time, got a little lost, well as lost as you can get at goulder ranch. hahaha. If anyone truely got lost at Goulder Ranch, then they shouldn't explore their own backyard without a compass.

Missed Yu-Gi-Oh. :(

Took a shower, then listened to my MP3 collection while laying in bed in my underwear, and stared at my cealing. There's nothing like laying in a clean bed after a shower. (yeah, that's a bad visual for me too)

Washed my bike...uh...NOT in my underwear. Looks nice :)

Finally saw Harry Potter 3 at the cheap seats with a friend. It was really really good.

Epic night

2004-09-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... a slight change in my nightly plans. I originally went to Bentley's for coffee and 'net access, but damn... that place was PACKED. Standing room only. No way... me and crowds just don't mix. What a difference from last week when that place was almost completely dead!

Disappointed, I drove around a bit wondering what to do. I decided to hit another cafe with free wifi. It pays to know some alternatives. I decide to head to Epic Cafe for the first time. It's on the corner of 4th Ave/University.

Driving up to the corner, it was relief to see it NOT crowded.

I walked into Epic and to my surprise, it's so less crowded and... OPEN MIC! *smiles* Nice, coffee and music. Things do work out with a little persistence.

It's the first time I've ever been here. I like going to new places with a relaxed atmosphere. I like the colors, but the seating is... disorganized.

The parking isn't ideal either. I don't like parking my motorcycle on 4th Ave, day or night. Here's where I should be like Buddha and let go of worldly possessions. Uhmm.... no.

Though, looking around, the next time I'm here, I see better places to park. Places where I can keep my eye on my ride.

I bought a simple coffee... it's strong. Way strong, but I don't mind. I'm no coffee expert but it taste like Maxwell house brand. Haha! I'm not too hungry though as I ate as soon as I got off work. Next time, I'll try some eats.

Anyway... I may be here more than Bentley's from now on. It's a bit farther from campus (which I like), and it's better for people watching, IMHO.

EDIT: Bit if advice for those wishing to bring in their laptops to these WiFi cafes - Turn off file sharing. You're on a local area network. You'd be suprised at the things I can see on YOUR laptop. I can copy and even delete your files if I feel evil enough.

Six Degrees of Separation

2004-09-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

Brother cancelled the plans for my visit tomorrow in Phoenix. Story of my life. Ah well, that just means I can bike more tomorrow. I'll probably wash and wax my motorcycle for the rally on Sunday.

I never beleived in "Six Degrees of Separation" until something happened today. I found an LJ of a close cousin. I had an inkling in the back of my mind that she would have one. Her LJ is actually just 3 clicks away from my LJ friends' page.

It's just.... weird. I saw her LJ handle all over the place, but never realized until I saw the picture.

What's weirder is that her mom (my aunt) has no clue whatsoever that her daughter is a tranny bi-sexual. Or perhaps she just refuses to see it and turns a blind eye. *shrugs*

In other news: I got my 3-year Pima County pin. I can't beleive I've been here 3 years now. Wow, it doesn't seem like that long. I remember I got my 3-year pin at CompUSA, and it felt I've been working there for like 10 years!

I really like my job... it can be boring, but I find ways to be busy. :) I also have over 215 vacation hours saved up! lol. I need a break.

Biker chicks

2004-09-10T07:43:00.000-07:00

I've recently noticed a LOT more females on motorcycles. I mean, just within the past week I saw maybe 5 or 6 biker chicks. That's quite a lot as normally, I see maybe that many in a year!

They come in all shapes and sizes, but it doesn't matter. They instantly become HOT once they mount several hundred pounds of vibrating steel between their legs. Ohhh momma!

Yeah, I don't know what it is, but women on motorcycles is such a turn on. Perhaps because I see it as I sign of independence and courage. It's hard to explain. It's not like those riding in cages have any less independence or courage. It's just... when you are on a motorcycle, that's it. You are out there, unprotected, alone, and if you don't keep your head on straight, you can die.

Anyway... enough about that.

Looking forward to this weekend... except I won't have time to mountain bike. Hmm... I might be able to squeeze in some riding time on Saturday before heading off to Phoenix to hang out with my little brother.

Sunday I'm attending a motorcycle rally, and riding down to Patagonia. Oh fun fun fun. I'll be alone (well, other than the being with other 100's of bikers), but just a day road trip will be nice. Yeah... :) And if I get bored in Patagonia, maybe I'll head to Bisbee or Tombstone. I kinda wish I had a friend going... ah well.

The rally is hosted by Sun Riders. They are so cool. They don't care what you ride, as long as you ride. :) The rally is the GREAT AMERICAN ROAD RALLY & BIKE SHOW. The last one I went to was in 2001. My bike won 1st Place in the Import Class of the bike show. I don't think I'll enter my bike this year though. I need to get my rear fender re-painted.

I'm hip about time, but I just gotta go.

2004-09-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm restless. I have this energy bottled up at work, but I have to wait for things at the moment. *sigh* Always things.

Anyway, last weekend was a 3-day weekend. It's nice, but I've posted this before in this same blog. Having Mondays off don't make for a short work week! Why? Because Monday already happend if it's already Tuesday! Short work weeks only apply when you have Friday off! Think about it.

I have so much to do this weekened, should be fun. Saturday, I'm going up to Phx to help my brother do some things. Sunday, I'm doing a motorcycle rally. I can't even remember the last rally I attened. It's been so long. I'm riding down to Patagonia with over 100 other riders. It's going to be a blast. I'll bring my digi-cam for pics.

Save me! Aaaahhh-Hahaha! Boo.

2004-09-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

[EDIT: This was typed last night, but ended up in limbo.]

Going stir-crazy. I want to ride, either on the trail or on the road.

I can't do either at the moment. So what am I doing? Updating this dumbass blog! Grr.

I had to clean up my mtn bike, so I did. I didn't rebuild the bottom bracket though. I should, but not now. Not today. I need a new crank extractor anyway. Suckage, but it's worth having the right tool.

Hmmm...I should go grocery shopping, pay my bills, then hang out somewhere and enjoy life.

Yeah... I think I should... and so should you. :)

Crackers & Three O'Clock High

2004-09-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

There are two movies I'd LOVE to see on DVD, "Crackers" (1984) and "Three O'Clock High" (1987).

Crackers is a hilarious comedy with Sean Penn, Donald Sutherland, and Jack Warden.
Crackers (1984)

Three O'Clock High is another 80's comedy that takes place in single day in high school with this kid trying to get out of a fight with the meanest bully in school at 3 o'clock.
Three O'Clock High (1987)

Say something...anything: Part Duex

2004-09-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

She called. She reminded me we are no longer boyfriend/girlfriend. She had to remind me as much as she had to remind herself. She apologized for getting so angry. I know... I knew... that part doesn't hurt anymore. It hasn't hurt in such a long time now.

What does hurt, you may ask? We protect each other. Sometimes, we protect each other too much. That's what hurts. When we realize we cannot protect each other all the time.

Say something...anything

2004-09-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

My friend hasn't called me all day. I feel bad, I told her that. Why... how many times has she cancelled my plans at the last minute? How many times has she forgotten about the things we talked about? And how many times have I forgiven her? Too many, and too quickly.

*sigh* No, that's a cop out. It was my fault this time. All I can ask is for forgiveness. Should I call? Should I just give her space and let her come to me? I don't know. We'll get over it, our friendship lasted and endured for far too long to let a stupid thing like this come between us, yet.. it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Mountain biked Goulder Ranch/50-year trail today. I took the whole thing at a leisure's pace until I hit the "Chutes". It was nice to ride just to forget about the thoughts in my head. I had no concept of time, no destination to get to. It was just...nice.

Cleaned my house afterwords, watched DVD's (Spaceballs & Willy Wonka), took an afternoon nap (which I haven't done in like months!), and then went motorcycling. I could have done something more..productive...but instead, I gassed up my bike and rode around the city. I enjoyed it. I got to feeling like crap at home. I had to get out.

Now I'm back at home... and I'm feeling like crap again.

I think too much and it hurts.

Short Randomness

2004-09-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

Mountain biked 3 hours today at Fantasy Island. Felt good, and a 3-day weekend means I can ride again tomorrow.

Mandarin Grill on 1st & Grant kicks all forms of ass including that of PF Changs (blegh), I recommend their Imperial Chicken and Hot & Sour soup.

Riding a motorcycle... it involves your whole body. It's wonderful. You aren't a passive spectator, but an active participant. Hands (clutch, brake, throttle, signal), arms (steer and counter-steer), feet (shifter, brake), legs (balance), torso (balance, shifting weight and center of gravity), head angle (focus, situational awarness), just everything needs to work as one with the motorcycle to control it.

I forgot a promise I made to a friend, and now I feel like bad.. I mean real bad. She'll eventually get over it. I'll eventually get over it, but until then... I just don't deserve friends. I hate me.

Shout out to Mad Summer for the free gmail acct. Thank you.

Nothing exciting

2004-09-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

Road Oracle Ridge this morning. It was a good ride, but I couldn't get in the groove of things. I felt..."off". The weather was fantastic though. I love grey clouds. There were so low. I felt that if I could raise my arms, I can touch them.

Once I returned home, I caught almost a full hour of Yu-Gi-Oh! Yah!!! I'm a dork, but I'm a happy dork. :)

I was about to head out to bicycle some more before i took a shower, but it rained! It was pouring outside. So I decided to take a shower, and postpone the riding.

I did some laundry instead, and watched Easy Rider DVD. I must have seen this movie about 50 times, and I never tire if it. There one part in that movie that hits home (no, not the drugs!). It's right before George Hanson (Jack Nicholsen) dies. He talks about freedom. I'll post the transcript of that part one of these days.

Rain stopped awhile ago, so I think I'll head out on my motorcycle.

The Road, the Coffee, and the Music

2004-09-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, alone, in a coffee shop listening to live music. A beautiful lady strumming on a guitar. Her voice a reflectioin of her beauty. Her name is Gina. Her songs are thoughtful.

I just finished a "Coffee Float", and some apricot vegan fruit bar. It was much better than I thought. A good match.

I'm begining to wonder how I got here.

I was restless tonight. I rode my motorcycle for an hour or so after work before heading home. Once there, I couldn't stay still. As they say, the silence was deafening. I had to get out again. I had to ride again. My mind wondered too far, but my body was stuck.

I decided to pack up my laptop, and I remembered hearing of a coffee shop with WiFi. I also recall something about live music, open mic nite. On my way here, I began to worry it would be too crowded. It's a Friday before a three day weekend, the shop is practically on campus, and live music! I let the sounds of my pipes drown out my thoughts for awhile.

As I pulled into the parking lot, much to my suprise and relief, it wasn't crowded at all. Quite dead actually... comfortable.

I didn't realize how close this place is to campus. I spent years trying to get the hell out of here... now here I am. It's nice being here. No worries, no reflections, no thoughts of things to come.

I like it here, it's quiet,...but isn't.

Macho Man!

2004-09-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

So here I am, at work, looking like a gay Mexican. Man, I'm never gonna live this down. *sigh*

Hey, anyone want to see me with long hair back when I was a ruff'n tumble biker dude? Aw, sure ya do!

Pre-2003:

2003-2004:

Present:

(lol, okay okay. That's actually Glenn Hughes from the Village People. But it's pretty damn close, sans moustache.)

I have a sudden craving for a chocolate covered banana.

New Haircut... I hate me.

2004-09-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

Man, I really hate my physical appearance. Yes, I'm shallow and superficial. I have a low self-esteem of my physical self.

I got a haircut finally. It hasn't been this short since I was 14 years old. SERIOUS!

I look like... a Mexican homosexual. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem if I was a homosexual, but I'm not... Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have male friends that are gay.

*looking at some self-portaits of new cut* ... *sigh* :(

I now remember why I never liked short hair on me.

Anyway, the front of my hair-line is receding, so I figure I'd be a man and just buzz most of it off. Receding or not, I'm letting it grow out again. I rather look gross than gay. Yeah... what a choice. *rolls eyes*

Now please excuse me while I crawl in a deep hole and weep.

Peace.

She's back

2004-09-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder about my co-workers... and if I have to wonder about them, then something is wrong here. I just don't like thinking about them. I swear, sometimes I wonder if they want to see if they can break me. They can't. I can handle, and been handling, whatever they put on me, and they still don't get the clue. They try again anyways. *sigh*

---------------------------------------------

My motorcycle is back. *does happy dance*

It's been almost 2 months since I rode her. My best friend finally rode her for the first time. She loved my ride. I'm glad. I followed in my truck.

My bike purrs in idle, but once off the line, she growls. I'm talking a deep, sexy, thoaty growl. Loud and proud! The sound of my bike literally sent shivers up my spine as I followed her back to my place. I about orgasmed. Man, can you imagine what I'd do once I open her up on the open road. *shivers* Oohhh babyyy.

My bike has quite a bit of torque in the low-end for a cruiser, but she handled her like a pro. She's a sub 13sec bike. That's tourqey and fast for a 800cc cruiser. If you're not holding on, she'll leave without you and send your ass to the curb.

Much love:

Work... not working

2004-09-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

I work with idiots. *sigh* Fuck.

Year of the Rat (Water)

2004-09-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

I usually don't go for these. They are too generalistic. Still, I find it amusing nonetheless.

The Rat, by Holy Mountain Trading Company

The Restless Rat: Ranking Order First, by Sabrina Liao

CHINESE SIGN: RAT (I find this one funny.) Sexy rat!

Scogs and Snobs at Applebees

2004-08-31T08:11:00.000-07:00

A friend and I recently ate at Applebees. Now, the food is alright for the price you pay. It isn't anything to write home about, but I do love their appetizers, and during their Happy Hour, all appetizers are half price.

During my last visit, it has recently come to my attention that they have "Harley Only" motorcycle parking now. This disturbs me. I have nothing against Harley-Davidson motorcycles or their riders, but blatant snobbery like this is just plain discriminating. As if anything other than an HD is not fit to park on their piece of real-estate. C'mon, it's the 21st fuckin' century! How would we react if we saw, "White Only Parking"?

I told my friend as we were leaving, "If I had noticed that sign when we came in, I'd suggest we go somewhere else. I don't think I can eat here anymore."

She of course laughed at me as a mother laughs at her child's endearing antics. Comforting, she's not. I'm being serious, dammit!... hold me?

She's an ex-harley rider herself and had been knee-deep in Harley snobbery with her riding buddies... who all rode harleys of course. I love her all the same despite her jaded past. *winks*

I have half a mind (no jokes please) to do a couple donuts and a burn-out on their precious "Harley Only" parking spaces. That'll show'em! *pounds on chest* Alas, reason kicks in..well actually, my friend slaps me on the back of the head and tells me, "NO!".

Fortunately, I found a new place with decent appetizers and great Happy Hour prices. It's called "Rusty's". It's located on west Grant, just east of Silverbell. I found it through a livejournal user. They have 1/2 off Clam strips and .25cent wings during happy hour!!! Best of all, they don't discriminate against motorcycles!

It's just me.

2004-08-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

So, work is unexpectedly quiet at the moment. I guess it's a time for a new intro.
*ahem*

Not much has changed since my very first entry. My family and friends still wonder when I'll get married and have kids to continue the bloodline. I kindly change the subject everytime they bring it up.

My life is simple, but I somehow manage to complicate it. I really need to stop doing that. I have a few short-term goals I am working on. Right now, it has me as excited as a small boy waiting for Christmas morning. *squeals*

My career life is doing good. *knocks on wood* I really do _like_ my job, but if I won the lottery, I'm gone. Heheh. I make good money for what I do, so I can't complain.

My social life has gone downhill since I left college. My college life was... "interesting", to say the least. I have 9 years of college education (UA, NAU, Pima CC), around 250 college credits, and all I have to show for it is $22k in student loans and a 2-year associate's degree in science. Go me. *dies from laughter*

Anyway, really looking back, I had some wild experiences. Some of them, I wouldn't trade for the world..well.. maybe for the WORLD, but... well, you know what I mean.

I met some wonderful friends, and my regret is not staying in contact with them. It's a lot harder to make friends post-college. I mean... if you saw the people I work with now, you wouldn't want to hang with them either.

I love riding my bicycles and motorcycle. It's the one thing that I love with a passion. If I'm not riding, I think about it constantly. I guess it's like being in love with someone. When you're not with the person you want to be with, all you can do is think about being with them. It drives you batty, and the longer you think about that person, the battier you become. Yet, when you are with that person, it feels like nothing can bring you down. There's always a smile on your face and everything that seemed jumbled just falls into place. Yeah... that's how I am with riding. Sad, I know.

I'm also a loner. I don't think about it really, most of the time. I'm just more comfortable being alone. I do need to strike a balance between being alone and being social. I want to be social sometimes. I want to have more friends just to hang out with.

My love life? Well, it doesn't exist. It hasn't existed since 1997. It's complicated, but I make it complicated. Oh well.

I want to get back into photography. I have my own BW darkroom, I just need to set it up. It was one of my MANY majors in college. lol. My work was impressive, but I always choked on the final. How I feel about riding was how I felt about photography.

I'm a geek and a dork as well. I role-play Shadowrun and Dungeons & Dragons. I also play computer games, own an X-Box and a PS2. I have over 100 DVD movies, yet watch very little TV except for cartoons. I own a working suit of armor which I have even worn on occasion while riding my motorcycle (Halloween stuff, I'm not deranged). I belong to a motorcycle club (Silent Skulls Lone Bikers), wear leathers, and look like a scarey mo-fo.

Anything else? Leave a comment and I'll tell you .

Hello

2004-08-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm back from livejournal. I switch between the two, and now I'm back.

I need the old blade runner, I need your magic. - Bryant

2004-08-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

http://edition.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/26/people.runner.ap/index.html

It is one of my personal all time favorites second only to the Star Wars ep. IV.

For anyone who hasn't seen it, please... rent the THEATRICAL release on VHS tape with Deckards (Harrison Ford) voice-over. It adds SO much more to the movie. The DVD "Director's Cut" gutted it out. Sad.

Hopefully, this news would prompt a new DVD release with the theatrical version. (one can dream of electric sheep)

Changes and stuff

2004-08-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

I seem to switch between my 2 blogs as to which one I update. For some reason, I've been updating my livjournal more often than this one.

I think it's because it's just a little different. I needed a change. Some of the entries are idtencial to this one, but most aren't.

Anyway, to direct anyone to my more current journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/tmartinez/

It's a Fuckin' Kitchen!

2004-08-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

I have to put this down.

Just returned from a whirlwind weekend trip to LA. My brother took the national paramedic exam in Inglewood, CA.

Note to self: NEVER let my little brother plan a trip.

OMG! First, no hotel reservations. So I'm driving around looking for a hotel, on a weekend, that has a vacancy, in a place I'm not familiar with.

We finally find one in Gardena, CA. "The Gardena Tower Inn" on Weserten Ave.

Okie, I don't have too many fears in life, but this place, scared the jeebus outta me. This is the kind of place were you can only imagine on TV or in some gritty mystery novel. It's a slum, the kind that rents "by the hour", the type of place were someone goes to "lay low" for awhile.

This place did not have normal "hotel guests" either. They had TENANTS. People LIVED here. I'm talking about whole FAMILIES! Kids, parents, friends... it was like a 3rd world community! These people are hanging out in the front of their rooms sitting on furniture, there's NO A/C, and the humidity is like 90%. These tenants are also looking at us while I unload my trunk of our belongings.

As we open the door to our hotel room, the first thing that hits our senses is the SMELL.
The room smelled like stale "funk". Yes folks, it was "funk". To top it off, there was NO maid service, and you do your OWN laundry.

Great, and me WITHOUT home brought bed sheets and pillows. niiice....

I survey our room, and I'm actually half expecting a chalk line on the floor. and police tape. I could only assume the shag (yes, shag) carpet was a dark green color, but it was hard to tell with all the dark reddish-brown spots that covered the majority of the floor.

It only had one bed, and a couch with a dirty grey mattress on top with a dirtier cover that didn't fit it. This place just gets better and better.

I get a little bolder, and enter the "kitchen".
ME: "You gotta check out the kitchen... it's a FUCKIN' KITCHEN!"

This is why people actually LIVED here.

This place was just like my old studio apartment, but just smaller, and a hell of a lot dirtier. It had a full size fridge, a gas stove, sink, table, chairs. Now, you my THINK this is good, but no.. it was dirty, grungy...and just bad... really really BAD.

So, we drop off our stuff, hid the valuables the best we can, then hit the nearest grocery store to buy a can of anti-bacterial Lysol spray. Summer breeze scent, ahh... The can now sits empty.
We didn't feel real comfy at our place of temprary residence, so we went and found a Barnes & Noble bookstore. We stayed there until they literally KICKED US OUT. *sigh*

After that, we picked up some grub at the grocery store. We got back to the hotel room, but neither I nor my brother wanted the "couch", so we both slept on the bed. Neither of us wanted to sleep under the covers of the bed. The sheets smelled. Add to the fact that it's VERY humid and we had NO A/C, it was probably just as well.

I was too tired to care what I slept on. I left my comfortable home with my comfy, safe, and CLEAN bed at 4am that morning, and drove like a machine all day.

My greatest fear wasn't what weird shit that my be in the sheets, it hoping there was no stray bullet through the window while we slept.

We both woke up before our alarms went off. Though we slept well, considering... we didn't want to stay any longer than we had to. We both got ready, and checked out at 7am. Because we didn't want to disturb the room, we left it JUST as it was when we arrived. It will most like stay that way until the next guests come to live there.

Anyway, my brother most likely passed the national paramedic exam, we visited Venice beach before we hit the 10 back home, and then visited our uncle and cousins in Beaumont, CA.
I didn't get home until 1am Monday morning. I'm at work now *yawn*... at least got a few hours of sleep.

Next time, I'm planning any and all future trips.

Been awhile

2004-07-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well, helped my little brother moved up to Phoenix. He stayed with me only a month, but it was good. It is nice to have my house back all to myself. I can put my computer back into the spare bedroom, and get it out of my living room.

Bike is almost finished. I need to head to the store to get a new stem.

Went riding at Oracle Ridge last Sunday. It w as a very fun ride. Learned alot. I learned I still need fatter tires, I need platform pedals, gloves, and knee.shin guards. My legs took a beating. Some blood, but not all over the place.

Hmmm.... tired of blogging... really tired. I did it to break out of a rut... but in turn, it has become the rut.

Looking at my life, it's good. A little lonely, but good. I feel so.... free.

new frame

2004-07-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Got my new frame yestarday!

Stripped down my spare bike in under 20 minutes. I rock. I'll build up the new bike this weekend if I have time.

My bro is moving to Phx area this Sat, and I'm helping him... Awatukee (sp?) to be exact.

Washer still broken, priced some at Best Buy yestarday, had my eye on one, and a fridge with an ice maker. I still want to look at Tucson Appliance, and Christy's Appliances sometime soon. I heard they have good prices.

I'm out.

2004-07-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

My clothes washer is broke. :( It works...sorta. It just doesn't change cycles by itself anymore. I have to remember to change the cycles. I once left it in the spin cycle for like 15 minutes. whoops. I can try to fix it, I guess. *shrugs*

I'll price some washers this weds.

I have to sell one of my spare computers. I may have a buyer. My cousin's ex-gf. She's nice, so I'll give her a good price. $200 including monitor and support.

I think I can get a decent washer for a about $350.

Owie...but it hurts SOO good.

It's a good thing I don't mind being burned.

So I'm under my truck after driving home from work. My truck is jacked up on stands, and I'm on a creeper underneath it. It's a tight fit. My forarems are all over the hot transmission as I try to remove the drainplug. Then of course hot oil pours down my arm once it's removed.

Then it's time for the oil filter. DAMN, you don't need to tighten the filter THAT tight! I had to break out with my oil filter vise-grips just to remove it. Again, hot oil pours down my arm.*sigh*

Anyway, installed new filter, replaced drain plug, then filled up with 4qts. of oil.

Oh, saw I,Robot on Sunday with my dad. It was a good action flick, but the story was a bit disappointment. If you're just going with just the expectation of JUST seeing lot of eye-candy, it's a worth it.

My brother is moving up to Phx. next weekend. After this month, I'll be living

Busy again.. just another Monday.

2004-07-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

Fantasy Island last Saturday morning was FANTASTIC. Learned a few things: I'm slow. I need FATTER tires, and anything that isn't zipped up in your hydration pack is offered to the trail gods.

Oh, wind, contacts, and the inability to blink make me blind. That with my skinny 1.9" tires, my nickname is "Blind Squirrel". I didn't crash though. I did come close. At one point, my wheels dug in while I was turning to avoid a tree. My left foot unclipped and was flapping with the west wind like a windsock. A song popped in my head at that moment: "The End" by The Who.

Fortunately, I straightened up, was able to clip back in, and ride off. tada!

Lost my spare tube somewhere on the trails. It was UN-zipped in my hydropack. Just in a pocket. Hopefully, some poor soul with a flat will happen upon it someday, and thank the trail gods.

Today I bought my FIRST oil filter for my truck. Going to change the oil today. I have a whopping 725 miles on it. I know what you're asking, "WHy are you changing the oil?". Well see, back in the day, and still true on motorcycles today, the break-in period for a new vehicle is 600 miles. At that point, you change the fluids, and check all bolts and stuff.

Today's cars and trucks say they don't need a break-in service, but it doesn't hurt. I bought baldwin filters. Best filter for a light-duty truck on the market, but damn expensive, $9.00 a pop. Excellent filtration while still offering great flow. I bought 2.

For oil, I'm going with conventional dino 5w-20. After the 3000 mile mark, I'm changing the oil again, but will use Mobil1 Pure-synth 0w-20, and will be using that from then on.

The lighter weight will give the engine a little boost, and it being a pure synthetic, has a greater temp range than conventional dino oil. Plus Mobil1 has the BEST shear-resistant oil on the market. This gives the oil a much longer life, especially in high-revving engines. (i.e. My lil' 4-banger).

2004-07-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Got my gear and bike ready for tomorrow. I'm going to Fantasy Island!

THE most popular riding spot in Tucson. Something like 18 miles of FAST single track.

Picked up my State Land permit today. It's required. I also picked up one for my little brother, though he's in Phx this weekend. It's $15/yr. and worth it. You also get an off-roading permit for your vehicle. If you like off-roading (raises hand), then you need this permit for off-roading on state owned land. Getting busted without a permit nailes you for $500.

Anyway, riding alone tomorrow. *sigh* Just as well, been doing it for so long, why stop now.
Current Mood: anxious

I can change my mind

2004-07-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

Decided to keep my spare mountain bike. I just bought a new frame for it, and turning it into an urban assault rig.

Busy busy busy!

2004-07-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

Man, busy at work, busy after work. Hell, busy in my dreams. *yawn*

Just returned from my brothers gaduation from the UA Paramedic course at UMC. Right after work too.

It was enjoyable. Had dinner at the Pueblo Grill. Was good, but not the best I've had. Met one of my brother's friends. She's nice.

Rode through my FIRST major storm on I-10. Visibility was about... my hood. Rain came in sheets. Made it home though.

I hope my brother is ok. Hope he avoided the storm... I hope he avoided I-10.

Anyway... miss riding my motorcycle. Badly. Very very badly. I have not ridden since last Friday. It's at a friend's garage. *sigh* She refuses to let me take it home until I make space in my garage. Understandle, my bike has been vandelized 3 times in the past. Not at my home though. Anyway, I need it.

Emailed CAT back-and-forth yestarday. Was real fun. Thanks Cat. :) Need to make more time to do so again soon.

*yawn*

Be safe all.

I have my orange crush

2004-07-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

I christen thee...

CRUSH

PICTURES OF MY NEW TRUCK!

Sighing softly

2004-07-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

Somedays, I'm just tired of everything. Sometimes, I wish I can start over. You know, like a computer game where you can SAVE a game so that you can reload it later in case things go bad.

Too bad life is not more like a computer game. In the really real world, there are no saves, and you only get one life.

If there was ONE point in my life I could have saved to reload, it would have been right after I graduated high school.

I would have done a lot differently. First, NO STUDENT LOANS. I would have taken 2 years off after high school. Then I would have started Pima CC for the first 2 years in the transfer program, and eventually going to NAU to finish. I would have also paid for it from grants, and out of my own pocket.

*sigh*
Too many regrets. Too many.

On the plus side, for being single, I'm doing pretty well. I have my own house, my motorcycle, road trips, lots of toys, a retirement (God willing), and in the market for another vehicle.

Still, my past wasn't that much fun. It's been quite, uneventful.

Sad, very very sad. :(

I don't know anymore. I wonder if this is what a mid-life crises feels like. Let me tell you. It sucks.

Going to college in my mid-twenties (went to college for 9 years, folks), I found meeting people and making friends pretty easy compared to now. Only thing is, I wish I stayed in contact with some of them. One of the drawbacks of being on the 9-year plan is most of your college friends graduate in 4 or 5 years. lol.

At 32years old, it's much more difficult to meet new people.

Oh well, such is life. It's very unlike a computer game.

Pics from San Diego

2004-07-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

GO here for a few pics I took in San Diego
http://aperatures.blogspot.com/2004/07/peir-cafe-front.html

Back from Sandy Eggo

2004-07-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Back from the family reunion. It was a great vacation. Much better than anticipated.

I have a couple pics. I'll see about posting them in the next day or two.

Feeling very unmotivated lately. :(